Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Women & Men, What they Expect & Want from each other, How to fulfill needs...... Dr John Gray

6. Women are Like Waves

When a woman’s wave rises feels she has an abundance of love to give, but when it falls she feels her inner emptiness and needs to be filled up with love. This time of bottoming out is a time for emotional housecleaning.

A woman’s ability to give and receive love in her relationships is generally a reflection of how she is feeling about herself. When she is not felling as good about herself, she is unable to be as accepting and appreciative of her partner.

When a man loves a woman she begins to shine with love and fulfillment. Most men naively expect that shine to last forever. Men pull back and then get close, while women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others.

A man assumes that her sudden change of mood is based solely on his behavior. When she is happy he takes credit, but when she is unhappy he also feels responsible.
When a woman is going down she needs to hit bottom before she could come up.

The last thing a woman needs when she is on her way down is someone telling her why she shouldn’t be won. What she needs is someone to be with her as she goes down, to listen to her while she shares her feelings, and to empathize with what she is going through. Even if a man can’t fully understand why a woman feels overwhelmed, he can offer his love, attention and support.

When a woman goes into her well, if she feels supported, she doesn’t necessarily feel better right away. She may feel worse. But that is a sign that his support may be helping. His support may actually help her to hit bottom sooner, and then she can and will feel better. To genuinely come up she first needs to hit bottom. That is the cycle.

Even when a man is succeeding in supporting a woman she may become even more upset. To support a woman when she is in her well is a special gift that she will greatly appreciate.

There are 3 points each man should realize.
A man’s love and support cannot instantly resolve a woman’s issues
A woman going into her well is not a man’s fault of his failure.
A woman has within herself the ability to spontaneously rise up after she has hit the bottom.

Avoiding arguments and fights certainly is healthy but not by suppressing feelings. When negative feelings are suppressed, positive feelings become suppressed as well, and love dies.

Even a strong, confident, and successful woman will need to visit her well from time to time.

When the man is not capable of listening attentively with caring, understanding, and respect, these 3 actions can help:

Accept your limitations- Don’t try to listen when you can’t
Understand her pain- she can be more trusting forgiving if you are caring and understanding of her hurt.
Avoid arguing and give reassurance- Reassure her that you will be back, and then you will be able to give her the support she deserves.

It puts too much pressure on a man to make him the only source of love and support.

7. Discovering our Different Emotional Needs

Men and women generally are unaware that they have different emotional needs. As a result they do not instinctively know how to support each other. Men typically give in relationships what men want, while women give what women want. Each mistakenly assumes that the other has the same needs and desires. As a result they both end up dissatisfied and resentful

Most of our complex emotional needs can be summarized as the need for love. Men and women each have six unique love needs that are all equally important.

Women need to Receive ---------------- Men need to ReceiveCaring--------------------------------------- Trust
Understanding-------------------------------Acceptance
Respect--------------------------------------Appreciation
Devotion-------------------------------------Admiration
Validation--------------------------------- --Approval
Reassurance---------------------------------Encouragement

Fulfilling a primary need is required before one is able fully to receive and appreciate the other kinds of love.

1. She needs caring and he needs Trust
When he shows interest and concern → she feels loved and cared for → she feels special → she begins to trust him → she becomes more open and receptive → he feels trusted → he sees a true belief in his abilities → he is more caring

2. She needs understanding and he needs acceptance
When he listens without judgment → she feels heard → it is easier for her to give him the acceptance he needs → she lovingly receives him without trying to change him → he feels accepted → he can give her the understanding she needs and deserves.

3. She needs respect and he needs appreciationWhen he prioritizes her rights, wishes and needs → she feels respected → when he considers her thoughts and feelings → she feels respected → it is easier for her to give him the appreciation he deserves → she acknowledges receiving personal benefit and value from his efforts and behavior → he feels appreciated → he knows his effort is not wasted → he is encouraged to give more → he is empowered and motivated to respect her more.

4. She needs devotion and he needs admiration
When he proudly commits himself to supporting and fulfilling her→ she feels adored and special→ when he makes her needs and feelings more important that his other interests→ she feels she is number one in his life→ she easily admires him→ he feels her admiration→ she regards him wit wonder, delight and pleased approval→ she is happily amazed by his unique characteristics→ he feels admired→ he feels secure to devote himself to his woman and adore her.

5. She needs validation and he needs approvalWhen he doesn’t object to her feelings and wants, but accepts and confirms their validity→ she feels loved→ he confirms her right to feel the way she does→ he gets the approval he needs→ he receives a signal that he has passed her tests and become her hero→ he is satisfied and validates her feelings.

6. she needs she needs reassurance & he needs encouragement
When he repeatedly shows care, understanding ,respect validation & devotion → she feels reassured → she feels continually loved → she expresses confidence in his abilities → she expresses trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration & approval → he Is encouraged to give her the loving reassurance she needs

Story
Imagine a knight in his shining armor traveling through the countryside. suddenly he hears a woman crying out in distress in an instant he comes alive urging his horse to gallop ,he races to her castle, where she is trapped by a dragon the noble knight pulls out his sword &slays the dragon .as a result, he is lovingly received by the process.

As the gates open he is welcomed & celebrated by the family of the princess & the townspeople .he is invited to live in town & is acknowledged as a hero .he & the princess fall in love.

A month later the noble knight goes off on another trip .on his way back ,he hears his beloved princess crying out for help another dragon has attacked the castle .when the knight arrives he out his sword to slay the dragon.

Before he swings, the princess cries out from the tower, don’t use your sword, use this noose. It will work better . She throws him the noose & motions to him instructors. About how to use it .he hesitantly follows her instructions. He wraps it around dragon’s neck & then pulls hard. The dragon dies &everyone rejoices.

At the celebration dinner the knight feels he didn’t really do anything. Somehow, because he used her noose & didn’t use his sword, he doesn’t quite feel worthy of the towns trust & admiration. After the event he is slightly depressed & forgets to shine his armor. A month later he goes on yet another trip. As he leave with his sword the princess reminds him to be careful tells him to take the noose. On his way home he sees yet another dragon attacking the castle. This time he rushes forward with his sword but hesitates, thinking maybe he should use the noose. In that moment of hesitation the dragon breathes fire & burns his right arm. In confusion he looks up & sees his princess waving from the castle window

“Use the poison” she yells .the noose doesn’t work.
She throws him the poison which he pours into the dragon’s mouth & the dragon dies .everyone rejoices & celebrates .but the knight feels ashamed.

A month later he goes on another trip. As he leaves with his sword, the princess reminds him to be careful, & to bring the noose & the poison. He is annoyed by her suggestions but brings them just in case.

This time on his journey he hears another woman in distress. As he rushes to her call, his depression is lifted & he feels confident & alive. But as he draws his sword to slay the dragon, he again hesitates. He wonders should I use my sword the noose or the poison? What would the princess say?

For a moment he is confused .but then he remembers how he had felt before he knew the princess back in the days when he only carried a sword .with a burst of renewed confidence he throws off the noose &the poison &charges the dragon with his trusted sword .he slays the dragon & the townspeople rejoice.

The knight in shining armor never returned to his princess. he stayed in his new village lived happily ever after. He eventually married but only after making sure his new partner knew nothing about nooses & poisons.

The knight in shining armor never returned to his princess. He stayed in his new village and lived happily ever after. He eventually married, but only after making sure his new partner know nothing about nooses and poison.

Women generally don’t realize the ways they communicate that are unsupportive and hurtful to the male ego.
Men also don’t recognize the ways they communicate that are disrespectful and unsupportive to women.

8. How to Avoid Arguments?

Just as communication is the most important element in a relationship, arguments can be the most destructive element.

Most couples start out arguing about one thing and within five minutes, are arguing about the way they are arguing.

The four F’s for avoiding hurt in an argument:

Fight: this comes from the man, when he feels the conversation becomes unloving, he moves into an offensive stance, “the best defense is a strong offense”- so he starts on blaming, judging, criticizing and when his partner backs down, he assumes he has won. Intimidation always weakens trust in a relationship.

Flight: this also comes from the man. To avoid confrontation he might retire into his cave and never come out. The short-term gain is piece and harmony, but if issues are not being talked about then resentments will build.

Fake: this stance comes from women. To avoid being hurt, she pretends there’s no problem, but over time she becomes increasingly resentful, which blocks the natural expression of love.

Fold: this stance also comes from women. Rather than argue, she takes the blame and assume responsibility for whatever is upsetting her partner, but she ends up losing herself.

The Anatomy of an argument

Step1: A woman expresses her upset feelings about “XYZ”

Step2: A man explains why she shouldn’t be upset about “XYZ”

Step3: She feels invalidated and becomes more upset (she is now more upset about being invalidated than about “XYZ”)

Step4: He feels her disapproval and becomes upset. He blames her for upsetting him and expects an apology before making up.

Step5: She apologizes and wonders what happened, or she becomes more upset and the argument escalates into a battle.

Men rarely say “I’m sorry” because on mars it means you have done something wrong and you are apologizing

The most common way women unknowingly start arguments is by not being direct when they share their feelings

Men are most prone to argue when they have made a mistake or upset the woman they love.

Our critical pair of problems from which arguments arise:
1. The man feels that the woman disapproves of his point of view
2. The woman disapproves of the way the man is talking to her.