1. Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain
· People don’t criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong it may be
· Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive side & usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance ,and arouses resentment.
· An animal rewarded for good behavior will learn much more efficiently than an animal punished for bad behavior .The same applies for humans.
· The resentment that criticism engenders can demoralize employees, family members & friends, and still not correct the situation that has been condemned.
· When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic .We are dealing with creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride & vanity.
· Any fool can criticize, condemn, or complain & most fools do, but it takes character & self control to be understanding and forgiving.
· “A great man shows his greatness by the way he treats little men”
· Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them, let ‘s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable & intriguing than criticism; & it breeds sympathy, tolerance, and kindness, ”To know all is to forgive all”
2. Give honest & sincere Appreciation
· There is only way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything, which is making the other person want to do it –Remember, there is no other way. The only way I can get you to do anything is by giving you what you want.
· All people are driven by one desire: the desire to be great, or in order words: the desire to be important. If our ancestors hadn’t had this flaming urge for a feeling of importance, civilization would have been impossible. Without it, we should have been just about like animals.This desire makes you want to wear the latest styles, drive the latest cars, & talk about your brilliant children
· If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance. I’ll tell you what you are .That determines your character .that is the most significant thing about you.
· People something become invalids in order to win sympathy & attention, and get a feeling of importance that they were unable to achieve in the world of reality.
· “There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors”
· Of course flattery seldom works with discerning people, It is shallow, Selfish & insincere. It ought to fail and it usually does. True, some people are so hungry, so thirsty for appreciation that they will swallow anything, just as a starving man will eat grass & fish worms.
· But in the long run ,flattery will do you more harm than good. Flattery is counterfeit, & like counterfeit money, it will eventually get you into trouble of you pass it to someone else.
· What is the difference between Appreciation & Flattery? That is simple .One is sincere & the other is insincere .One comes from the heart out & the other comes from the mouth out .One is unselfish, the other is selfish.
· If all we had to do was flatter, everybody would catch on & we should all be experts in human relations.
· When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem, we usually spend about 95 percent of our time thinking about ourselves. Now, if we stop thinking about ourselves for a while & begin to think of the other person ‘good points, we won’t have to resort to flattery so cheap & false that it can be spotted almost before it is out of the mouth.
· One of the most neglected virtues of our daily existence is appreciation. Somehow, we neglect to praise our son or daughter when he or she brings home a good report card, and we fail to encourage our children when they first succeed in baking a cake or building a birdhouse.
· Nothing pleases children more than this kind of parental interest & approval.
· In our interpersonal relations we should never forget that all our associates are human beings & hunger for appreciation. It is the legal tender that all souls enjoy.
· Try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude on your daily trips. You will be surprised how they will set small flames of friendship that will rose beacons on your next visit.
· Hurting people not only does not change them, it is never called for. There is an old saying that I have cut out & praised on my mirror where I cannot help but see it everyday: “I shall pass this way but once; any good therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.
· “ Every man I meet is my superior in some way, in that, I learn of him”
Let’s cease thinking of our accomplishments, our wants.
Let’s try to figure out the other person’s good points. Then forget flattery. Give honest, sincere appreciation. Be “hearty I your approbation and lavish in your praise,” and people will cherish your words and treasure them and repeat them over a lifetime-repeat them years after you have forgotten them.
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want
“I often went fishing up during the summer. Personally, I am very fond of strawberries and cream, but I have found that for some strange reason, fish prefer worms. So when I went fishing, I didn’t think about what I wanted. I thought about what they wanted. I didn’t bait the hook with strawberries and cream. Rather, I dangled a worm or a grass-hopper in front of the fish and said: would you like to have that?”
· Why not use the same common sense when fishing for people? Why not talk about what we want? That is childish. Absurd, of course you are interested in what you want. You are eternally interested in it. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you; we are interested in what we want.
· So the only way on earth to influence other is to talk about what they want and show them how
to get it.
· Remember that tomorrow when you are trying to get somebody to do something. If, for example, you don’t want your children to smoke, don’t preach at them, and don’t talk about what you want; but show them that cigarettes may keep them from making the basketball team or winning the hundred-yard dash.
· This is a good thing to remember regardless of whether you are dealing with children or calves or chimpanzees.
· Every act you have ever performed since the day you were born was performed because you wanted something. “Action springs out of what we fundamentally desire... and the best piece of advice which can be given to would be persuaders, whether in business, in the home, in the school, in politics, is: first: arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.”
· Tomorrow you may want to persuade somebody to do something. Before you speak, pause and ask yourself, “How can I make this person want to do it?”
· That question will stop us from rushing into a situation heedlessly with futile chatter about our desires.
· Here is one the best bits of advice ever given about the fine art of human relationships. “If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.”
· That is so simple, so obvious, that anyone ought to see the truth of it at a glance; yet 90 percent of the people on this earth ignore it 90 percent of the time.
· Many sales people spent a lifetime in selling without seeing things from the customer’s angle.
· The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. So the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage. He has little competition
· “People who can put themselves in the place of other people who can understand the workings of their minds, need newer worry about what the future has in store for them.”
· Looking at the other person’s point of view and arousing in him an eager want for something is not to be construed as manipulating that person so that he will do something that is only for you benefit and his detriment. Each party should gain from the negotiation.
· “Self-expression is the dominant necessity of human nature.” why can’t we adapt this same psychology to business dealings? When we have a brilliant idea, instead of making others think it is ours, why not let them cook and stir themselves. They will then regard it as their own; they will like it and maybe eat a couple of helpings of it.
PART TWO: WAYS TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU
1. Become genuinely interested in other people
Why read this book to find out how to win friends? Why not study the technique of the greatest winner of friends the world has ever known? Who is he? You may meet him tomorrow coming down the street. When you get within ten feet of him; he will begin to wag his tail. If you stop & pat him; he will almost jump out of his shin to show you how much he likes you. And you know that behind this show on affection on his part, there are no ulterior motives: he doesn’t want to sell you any real estate, & he doesn’t want to marry you.
Did you ever stop to think that a dog is the only animal that doesn’t have to work for a living? A hen has to lay eggs, a cow has to give milk, and a canary has to sing .But the dog makes his living by giving you nothing but love.
You can make more friends two months by becoming interested in people than you can in two years by trying to get our people interested in you
Yet, I know & you know people who blunder through life trying to wigwag other people into becoming interested in them. Of course it doesn’t work. People are not interested in you .They are not interested in me .They are interested in themselves-morning, noon and after dinner.
If we merely try to impress people & get people interested in us, we will never have any true, sincere friends. Friends, real friends are not made that way
You may read scores of erudite tomes on psychology without coming across a statement more significant for you and for me as:” It is then individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life & provide the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.
I have discovered from personal experience that one can win the attention and time and cooperation of even the most sought –after people by becoming genuinely interested in them.
If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people – things that require time, energy, unselfishness & thoughtfulness.
If we want to make friends, let’s greet people with animation & enthusiasm. When somebody calls you on the telephone use the same psychology. Say” Hello” in tones that be speak how pleased YOU are to have the person call. Many companies train their telephone operators to greet all callers in a tone of voice that radiates interest & enthusiasm. The caller feels the company is concerned about them. Let’s remember that when we answer the phone tomorrow.
Showing a genuine interest in others not only wins friends for you, but may develop in its customers a loyalty to your company.
A show of interest, as with every other principle of human relationship, must be sincere. It must pay off not only for the person showing the interest, but for the person receiving the attention. It is a two way street – both parties benefit.
Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says,” I like you, you make me happy. I am glad to see you. ”That is why a dog makes such a hit .He is so glad to see you that he almost jumps out of his skin. So, naturally, you are glad to see him. A baby’ smile has the same effect.
An in sincere grin? No, that doesn’t fool anybody. We know it is mechanical & we resent it. I am talking about a real smile, a heartwarming smile, a smile that comes from within, the kind of smile that will bring a good price in the market place.
The effect of a smile is powerful-even when it is unseen. Telephones companies throughout the United States have a program called “phone power”, which is offered to employees who use the telephone for selling their services or products. In this program they suggest that you smile when talking on the phone. Your “smile” comes through in your voice.
You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you.
You don’t feel like smiling? Then what? Two things. First ,force yourself to smile. If you are alone, force yourself to whistle or hum a tune or sing. Act as if you were already happy, and that will tend to make you happy. Here is the way the psychologist & philosopher William James put it:”Action seems to follow feelings ,but really action & feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feelings, which is not.
Thus the sovereign voluntary path to cheerfulness, if our cheerfulness be lost, is to sit up cheerfully & to act &speak as if cheerfulness were already there…
Everybody in the world is seeking happiness-& there is one sure way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions, it depends on inner conditions.
It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it. For example, two people may be in the same place, doing the same thing; both may have about an equal amount of money & prestige – and yet one may be miserable & the other happy. Why? Because of a different mental attitude. I have seen just as many happy faces among the poor peasants toiling with their primitive tools in the devastating heat of the tropics as I have seen in air conditioned offices.
“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so”, said Shakespeare.
· Your smile is a messenger of your good will. Your smile brightens the lives of all who see it. To someone who has seen a dozen people frown, scowl or turn their faces away, your smile is like the sun breaking through the clouds. Especially when that someone is under pressure from his bosses, his customers, his teachers or parents or children, a smile can help him realize that all is not hopeless- that there is joy in the world.
3. Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest & most important sound in any language
· Something it is difficult to remember a name, particularly when it is hard to pronounce .Rather than even try to learn it, many people ignore it or call the person by an easy nickname.
· The policy of remembering & honoring the names of his friends & business associates was one of the secrets of Andrew Carnagie’s leadership. He was proud of the fact that he could call many of his factory workers by their names, & he boasted that while he was personally in charge, no strike ever disturbed his flaming steel mills.
· Most people don’t remember names, for the simple reason that they don’t take the time & energy necessary to concentrate, repeat & fix names indelibly in their minds. They make excuses for themselves that they are too busy.
· We should be aware of the magic contained in a name & realize that this single item is wholly & completely owned by the person with whom we are dealing & nobody else. The name sets the individual apart; it makes him or her unique among all others. The information we are imparting or the request we are making takes on a special importance when we approach the situation with the name of the individual. From the waitress to the senior executive, the name will work magic as we deal with others.
4. Be a good listener, encourage others to talk about themselves
· Exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you is very important. Nothing else is so flattery as that
· Listening is as important in one’s home life as in the world of business.
· If you want to know how to make people shun you and laugh at you behind your back & even despise you, here is the recipe: Never listen to anyone for long. Talk incessantly about yourself. If you have an idea while the other person is talking, don’t wait for him or her to finish: bust right in & interrupt in the middle of a sentence.
· Do you know people like that? I do, unfortunately ;and the astonishing part of it is that some of them are prominent
· People who talk only of themselves think only of themselves, and those people who think only of themselves are hopelessly uneducated. They are not educated, no matter how instructed they may be.
· So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves & their accomplishments.
· Remember that people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves & their wants & problems than they are in you & your problems. A person’s toothache means more to that person than a famine in China which kills million people. A boil on one’s neck interests one more than forty earthquakes in Africa. Think of that the next time you start a conversation.
5. Talk in terms of the other person’s interests
Everyone who was ever a guest of Theodore Roosevelt was astonished at the range and diversity of his knowledge. Whenever Roosevelt expected a visitor, he sat up late the night before, reading up on the subject in which he knew his guest was particularly interested. For Roosevelt knew, as all leaders know, that the royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he treasures most. Talking in terms of the other person’s interests pays off for both parties. Howard Z. Herzig, a leader in the field of employee communications, has always followed this principle. When asked what reward he got from you, he responded that he not only received a different reward from each person, but that in general the reward was an enlargement of his life each time he spoke to someone.
6. Make the other person feel important-and do it sincerely
If we are so completely selfish that we can’t radiate a little happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciation without trying to get something out of the other person in return-if our souls are no bigger then sour crab apples, we shall meet with the failure we so richly deserve. Oh yes, I did want something out of that chap. I wanted something priceless. And I got it. I got the feeling that I had done something for him without his being able to do anything whatever in return for me. That is a feeling that flows and signs in you memory lung after the incident is past.
Then is one all-important law of human conduct. If we obey that law, we shall almost never get into trouble. In fact, that law, if obeyed, will bring us countless friends and constant happiness. But the very instant we break the law, we shall get into endless trouble. The law is this: Always make the other person fell important.
Probably the most important rule in the world: “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”
Little phrases such as “I’m sorry to trouble you”, “Would you mind?”, “Thank you”_ little courtesies like these oil the cogs of the monotonous grind of everyday life-and incidentally, they cure the hallmark of good breeding.
The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognized it sincerely.
And the pathetic part of this is that frequently, those who have the least justification for a feeling of achievement bolster up their egos by a show of tumult and conceit which is truly news eating. As Shakespeare put it: “Man, proud man, drest in a little brief authority, plays such fantastic tricks before high heaven, as make the angles weep.”
Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours.”
PART THREE: HOW TO WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING?
1. The only way to get the best out of an argument is to avoid it
· Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each of the contestants more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely right.
· You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it. Why? Well, suppose you triumph over the other man and shoot his argument full of holes and prove that he is non compos mentis. Then what? You will feel fine. But what about him? You have made him feel inferior. You have hurt his pride. He will resent his triumph. And- “A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.”
· In an article in Bits and Pieces, some suggestions are made on how to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument.
1) Welcome the disagreement- Remember the slogan, “When two partners always agree, one of them is not necessary.” If there is some point you haven’t thought about, be thankful if it is brought to your attention. Perhaps this disagreement is your opportunity to be corrected before you make a serious mistake.
2) Distrust you first instinctive impression- Our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful. Keep calm and watch out for your first reaction. It may be you at your worst, not your best.
3) Control your temper- Remember, you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry.
4) Listen first- Give your opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do not resist, defend or debate, this only raises barriers. Try to build bridges of understanding. Don’t build higher barriers of misunderstanding.
5) Look for areas of agreement- When you have heard your opponents out, dwell first on the points and areas on which you agree.
6) Be honest- Look for areas where you can admit error and say so. Apologize for your mistakes. It will help disarm your opponents and reduce defensiveness.
7) Promise to think over your opponent’s ideas and study them carefully- And mean it. Your opponents may be right. It is a lot easier at this stage to agree to think about their points than to move rapidly ahead and find yourself in a position where you opponents can say: “ We tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen.”
8) Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest- Anyone who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you are. Think of them as people who really want to help you, and you may turn your opponents into friends.
9) Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem-Suggest that a new meeting be held later that day or the next day, when all the facts may be brought to hear. In preparation for this meeting, ask your self some hard questions:
Could my opponents be right?
Is there truth or merit in their position or argument?
Is my reaction one that will relieve the problem, or will just relieve any frustration?
Will my reaction drive my opponents further away or draw them closer to me?
Will my reaction evaluate the estimation good people have of me?
Will I win or lose?
What price will I have to pay if I win?
If I am quiet about it, will the disagreement blow over?
Is this difficult situation and opportunity for me?
2. Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say “No, you’re wrong.”
· If you can be sure of being right only 55 percent of the time, you can go down to wall street and make a million dollars a day. If you can’t be sure of being right even 55 percent of the time, why should you tell other people they are wrong? You can tell people they are wrong by a look or an in notation or a gesture just as eloquently as you can in words- and if you tell them they are wrong, do you make them want to agree wit you? Never! For you have struck a direct below at them intelligence, judgment, pride and self-respect. That will make them want to change their minds, you may then hurl at them all the logic of a Plato or Kant, but you will not after their opinions, for you have hurt their feelings.
· Never begin by announcing “ I am going to prove so and so to you.” That is bad, it’s like saying: “I’m smarter than you are; I’m going to tell you a thing or two and make you change your mind.” That is a challenge It arouses opposition and makes the listener want to battle with you before you even start.
It is difficult, under even the most benign conditions, to change people’s minds. So why make it harder? Why handicap yourself?
If you are going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know it. Do it so subtly that no one will feel that you are doing it “men must be taught as if you taught them not. And things unknown proposed as things forgot.”
· You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself.” Galileo.
· “Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so.” Lord Chesterfield.
· One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing” Socrates.
Well, I can’t hope to be any smarter than Socrates, so I have quit telling people they are wrong. And I find that it pays.
· If a person makes a statement that you think is wrong-yes, even that you know it is wrong-isn’t it better to begin by saying: “Well, now, look, I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong. I frequently am. And if I am wrong, I want to be put right. Let’s examine the facts.”
There is a magic, positive magic, in such phrases as “I may be wrong.”
You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop the argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broad-minded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong.
· Few people are logical; most of us are prejudiced and biased. Most of us are blighted with preconceived notions, with jealousy, suspicion, fear, envy and pride. And most citizens don’t want to change their minds about their religion or their haricot or communism or their favorite movie star. So if you are inclined to tell people they are wrong, then read this paragraph every morning:
We sometimes find ourselves changing our minds without any resistance or heavy emotion, but if we are told we are wrong, we resent the imputation and harden our hearts. We are incredibly heedless in the formation of our beliefs, but find ourselves filled with an illicit passion fix them when anyone proposes to rob us of their companionship. It is obviously not the ideas themselves that are dear to us, but our self-esteem which is threatened…the little word “my” is the most important one in human affairs and properly to reckon wit hit is the beginning of wisdom. It has the same force whether it is “my” dinner, “my” dog, “my” house, or “my” father, “my” country, and “my” God. We not only resent the imputation that our watch is wrong, or our car shabby, but that our conception of the canals of Mars, of the pronunciation of “Epictetus”, of the medicinal value of salient or the date of Sargon I is subject to revision. We like to continue to believe what we have been accustomed to accept as true, and the
Resentment aroused when doubt is cast upon any of our assumption leads us to seek every manner of excuse for clinging to it. The result is that most of our so called reasoning consists in finding arguments for going on believing as we already do.”
“I have found it of enormous value when I can permit myself to understand the other person. The way in which I have worded this statement may seem strong to you, is necessary to permit oneself to understand another? I think it is. Our first reaction to most of the statements (which we hear from other people) is an evaluation or judgment, rather than an understanding of it. When someone expresses some feeling, attitude or belief, our tendency is almost immediately to feel “that’s right”, or “that’s stupid”, “that’s abnormal”, “that’s unreasonable”, “that’s incorrect”, “that’s not nice.” Very rarely do we permit ourselves to understand precisely what the meaning of the statement is to the other person.”
· When we are wrong, we may admit it to ourselves. And if we are handled gently and tact fully, we may admit it to others and even take pride in our frankness and broad-mindness. But not if someone else is trying to ram the unpalatable fact down our esophagus.
In other words, don’t argue with you customer or your spouse or your adversary. Don’t tell them are wrong; don’t get them stirred up. Use a little diplomacy.
3. If your are wrong, admit it quickly and empathically
· If we are going to be rebuked anyhow, isn’t it far better to beat the other person to it and do it ourselves? Isn’t it much easier to listen to self-criticism then to bear condemnation from alien lips?
Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking or wants to say, or intends to say-and say them before that person has a chance to say them. The chances are a hundred to one that a generous, forgiving attitude will be taken and your mistakes will be minimized.
There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit ones errors. It not only clears the air of guilt and defensiveness, but often helps solve the problem created by the error.
Any fool can try to defend his mistakes-and most fools do-but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and oculation to admit one’s mistakes.
When we are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong-and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves-let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm. Not only will that technique produce astonishing results; but believe it or not, it is a lot more fun, under the circumstances, than trying to defend oneself.
Remember the old proverb, “By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expect.”
4. Begin in a friendly way
· If your temper is aroused and you tell them a thing or two, you will have a fine time unloading your feelings but what about the other person? Well he share your pleasure? Will your belligerent tones, your hostile attitude, make it easy for him to agree with you?
· It is an old and tram maxim that “a drop of honey catches more flies that a gallon of gall.” So with men, if you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend. There in is a drop of honey that catches his heart; which, say what you will, is the great high road to his reason.
“ The sun can make you take off your coat more quickly than the wind”; and kindliness, the friendly approach and appreciation can make people change their minds more readily than all the bluster and storming in the world.
5. Get the other person saying, “yes, yes” immediately
· In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing-and keep on emphasizing-the things on which you agree. Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose.
Get the other person saying, “yes, yes” at the outset. Keep your opponent, if possible, from saying “no.” A “no” response is a most difficult handicap to overcome. When you have said “no” all your pride of personality demands
That you remain consistent within yourself. You may later feel that the “No” was ill-advised; nevertheless, there is your precious pride to consider once having said a thing, you feel you must stick to it. Hence it is of the very greatest importance that a person be started in the affirmative direction.
The skillful speaker gets, at the outset, a number of “Yes” responses; this sets the psychological process of the listeners moving in the affirmative direction. It is like movement of a billiard ball. Propel in one direction, it takes some force to deflect it, far more force to send it back in the opposite direction.
The psychological patterns here are quite clear. When a person says “No”& really means it, he or she is doing far more than saying a word of two letters. The entire organism-glandular, nervous, muscular-gather itself together into a condition of rejection.
There is usually in minute but sometimes in observable degree, a physical with drawl or readiness for with drawl. The whole new muscular system, in short, sets itself on guard against acceptance. When to the contrary person says “Yes”, none of the with drawl activities takes place. The organism is in a forward-moving, accepting, open attitude. Hence the more “Yeses” we can, at the very outset, include, the more likely we are to succeed in capturing the attention for our ultimate proposal.
It is very simple technique-this yes response. And yet, how much it is neglected it often seems of their own importance by antagonizing others at the outset.
6. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking
· Must people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves? Let the other people talk themselves out. They know more about their business & problems than you do. So ask them questions. Let them tell you a few things.
· If you disagree with them you may be tempted to interrupt. But don’t, it’s dangerous. They won’t pay attention to you while they still have a lot of ideas of their own crying for expression. So listen patiently & with an open mind. Be sincere about it. Encourage them to express their ideas fully.
· Even our friends would much rather talks to us about their achievements than listen to us boast about ours.” If you want enemies, excel your friends but if you want friends, let your friends excel you.” Why is that true? Because when our friends excel us, they feel important but when we excel them, they _or at least some of them-will feel inferior and envious.
7. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers
· Don’t you have much more faith in ideas that you discover for yourself than in ideas that are handed to you on a silver platter? If so, isn’t it bad judgment to try to rum your opinions down the throats of other people? Isn’t it wiser to make suggestions-and let the other person think out the conclusion?
· No one likes to feel that he is being sold something or told to do a thing. We much prefer to feel that we are buying of our own accord or acting on our own ideas. We like to be consulted about our wishes, our wants, or our thoughts.
· “The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them. Thus they are able to reign over all the mountain streams .So the sage, wishing to be above men putted himself behind them. Thus, though his place be above men, they do not feel his weight, though his place be before them, they do not count it an injury.”
8. Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view
· Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so. Don’t condemn them. Any fool can do that. Try to understand them only wise; tolerant, exceptional people even try to do that.
· There is a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he does. Ferret out that reason-and you have the key to his actions, perhaps to his personality. Try honestly to put yourself in his place. If you say to yourself, “How would I feel, how would I react if I were in his shoes?” you will save yourself time and irritation, for “by coming interested in the cause, we are less likely to dislike the affect.” and in addition, you will sharply increase your skill in human relationships.
· “Stop a minute to contrast your keen interest in your own affairs with your mild concern about anything else. Realize then, that everybody else in the world feels exactly the same way Then, you will have grasped the only solid foundation for interpersonal relationships; namely, that success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other person’s view point. Seeing things through another person’s eyes may ease tensions when personal problems become overwhelming.
“I would rather walk the sidewalk in front of a person’s office for two hours before an interview than step into office without a perfectly clear idea of what I was going to say and what that person-from my knowledge to his interests and motives-was likely to answer.”
If as a result of reading his book, you get only one thing-an increased tendency to think always in terms of other person’s point of view, and see things from that person’s angle as well as your own-it may easily prove to be one of the stepping stones of your career.
9. Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires
· Wouldn’t you like to have a magic phrased that would stop arguments, eliminate ill feeling, create good will, and make the other person listen attentively?
· YES? All right. Here it is: I don’t blame you one iota for your feeling as you do. If I were you, I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.”
· Answer like that will soften the most cantankerous old cuss alive. And you can say that and be 100 percent sincere, because if you were the other person, of course you will feel just as he does.
· You deserve very little credit for being what you are-and remember, the people who come to you irritated, bigoted, unreasoning, deserve very little discredit for being what they are. Feel sorry for the poor devils. Pity them. Sympathize with them. Say to yourself: “there, but for the grace of god, go I”
· Three-fourth of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them and they will love you.
· “Sympathy the human species universally craves. The child eagerly displays his injury; or even inflicts a cut or bruise in order to reap abundant sympathy. For the same purpose adults......show their bruises, relate their accidents, illness, specially details of surgical operations. ‘Self pity’ for misfortunes real or imaginary is in some measure, practically a universal practice.”
10. Appeal to the nobler motives
Experience has taught me that when no information can be secured about the customer, the only sound basis on which to proceed id to assume that he is sincere, honest, truthful, and willing to pay charges, once convinced they are correct. To put it differently and perhaps more clearly, people are honest and want to discharge their obligations. The expectations that rule are comparatively few, and I am convinced that the individuals who are inclined to chisel will in most cases react favorably if you make them feel that you consider them honest, upright and fair”
11. Dramatize your ideas
Merely stating a truth is not enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic. You have to use showmanship. The movies do it. Television does it. And you will have to do it if you want attention.
Television commercials abound with examples of the use of dramatic techniques in selling products. Sit down one evening in front of your TV. and analyze what the advertiser do in each of their presentations. You will note how an antacid medicine changes the color of the acid in a test tube while its competitor doesn’t how one brand of soap or detergent gets a greasy shirt clean when the other brand leaves it gray. You’ll see a car maneuver around a serves of turns and curves far better than just being told about it.
Happy faces will show cantonment with a variety of products. All of these dramatize for the viewer the advantages offered by whatever is being sold-and they do not get people to but them. You can dramatize your ideas in business or in any other aspect of your life. It works in home life as well, and with children specifically.
12. Throw down a challenge
· The desire to excel Throwing down the gauntlet and infallible way of appealing to people of spirit.
· One of the great behavioral scientists studied in depth the work attitudes of thousands of people ranging from factory workers to senior executives. What do you think he found to be the most motivating factor-the one fact of the jobs that was most stimulating? Money? Good working conditions? Fringe benefits? No-not any of those. The one major factor that motivated people was the work itself. If the work was exciting and interesting, the worker looked forward to doing it and was motivated to do a good job.
· That is what every successful person loves: the game, the chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win. That’s what makes foot-races and hog-calling and pie-eating contests. The desire to excel. The desire for feeling of importance.
PART FOUR: BE A LEADER
How to change people without giving offense or arousing resentment.
1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation
It’s easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.
Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain is pain-killing.
2. Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly
Simply changing on three-letter word can often spell the difference between failure and success in changing people without giving offense or arousing resentment. Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word “but” and ending with a critical statement.
For example, in trying to change a child’s careless attitudes towards studies, we might
say, “we’re really proud of you, Johnnie for raising your grades this term, but if you had
worked harder on your algebra, the results would have been better.”
In this case, Johnny might feel encouraged until he heard the word “but”. He might then question the sincerity of the original praise. To him, the praise seemed only to be a contrived lead-in to a critical inference of failure. Credibility would be strained, and we probably would not achieve our objectives of changing Johnny’s attitude towards his studies.
This could easily overcome by changing the word “but” to “and”. “we are really proud of you Johnny, for raising your grades this term, and by continuing the same conscientious effects next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the others.”
Now, Johnnie would accept the praise because there was no follow-up of an inference of failure. We have called his attention to the behavior we wished to change indirectly and the chances are he will try to live up to our expectations.
Calling attention to one’s mistakes indirectly works wonders with sensitive people who may resent bitterly any direct criticism.
3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person
It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable.
Admitting one’s own mistakes-even when one hasn’t corrected them-can help convince somebody to change his behavior.
4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders
D. Young never gives a direct order to anyone. He always gives suggestions, not orders. He always gave people the opportunity to do things themselves; he never told his assistants to do things; he let them do them, he let them learn from their mistakes.
A technique like that makes it easy for a person to correct errors. A technique like that saves a person’s pride and gives him or her feeling of importance. It encourages cooperation instead of rebellion.
Resentment caused by a brash order may last a long time-even if the order was given to correct an obviously bad situation.
Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often simulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask. People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued.
5. Let the other person save face
Letting one save face!! How important, how vitally important that is! And how few of us ever stop to think of it!! We ride roughshod over the feelings of others, getting our own way, finding fault, issuing threats, criticizing a child or an employee in front of others, without even considering the hurt of the other person’s pride. Where as a few minutes’ thought, a considerate word or two a genuine understanding of the other person’s attitude, would go so far toward alleviating the distasteful necessity of discharging or reprimanding an employee.
even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face. The legendary aviation pioneer and author Antonie de saint-wrote “ I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.”
6. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
That’s nothing new. Animal trainers have been using that same technique for centuries. Why, I wonder, don’t we use the same common sense when trying to change people that we use when trying to change dogs? Why don’t we use meat instead of whip? Why don’t we use praise instead of condemnation? Let us praise even the slightest improvement. That inspires the other person to keep on improving.
“Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit; we cannot flower and grow without it. And yet, while most of us are only too ready to apply to others the cold wind of criticism, we are somehow reluctant to give our fellow the warm sunshine of praise.”
Everyone likes to be praised, but when praise is specific, it comes across as sincere-not something the other person may be seen just to make one feel good.
Remember, we all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almost anything to get it. But nobody wants insincerity. Nobody wants flattery.
let me repeat: The principles taught in this book will work only when they come from the heart. I am not advocating a bag of tricks. I am talking about a new way of life.
Talk about changing people. If you and I will inspire the people with whom we come in contact to realization of the hidden treasures they possess, we can do far more than change people, we can literally transform them. Exaggeration? Then listen to these sage words from William James, “compared with what we ought to be, we are only half awake. We are making use of only a small part of our physical and mental resources. Stating the thing broadly, the human individual thus lives for within his limits. He possesses powers of various sorts which he habitually fails to use.”
Yes, you who are reading these lines possess power of various sorts which you habitually fail to use; and one of these powers you are probably not using to the fullest extent is your magic ability to praise people and inspire them with a realization of their latest possibilities.
7. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to
“The average person can be led readily if you have his respect and if you show that you respect that person for some kind of ability.”
In short, if you want to improve a person in a certain aspect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his outstanding characteristics. Shakespeare said, “assume a virtue, if you have it not.” and it might be well to assume and state openly that other people have the virtue you want them to develop. Give them a fine reputation to live up to, they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned.
8. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct
Tell your child, your spouse, or your employee that he or she is stupid or dumb at a certain thing, has no gift for it, and is doing it all wrong, and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve. But use the opposite technique-be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it-and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel.
9. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest
The effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior.
1. Be sincere-do not promise anything that you can not deliver. Forget about the benefits of yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person.
2. Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.
3. Be empathetic. Ask yourself what is it the other person really wants.
4. Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.
5. Match those benefits to the other person’s wants.
6. When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit.