Friday, October 18, 2013

My Favourite Book on Gender Appreciation: Men are from Mars Women are from Venus - John Gray

Unwind the relation mysteries
 
Imagine that men are from Mars and women are from Venus.

One day long ago the Martians, looking through their telescopes, discovered the Venusians. They fell in love and quickly invented space travel and flew to Venus. The Venusians welcomed the Martians with open arms. Then they decided to fly to Earth.

In the beginning everything was wonderful and beautiful. But the effects of the earth’s atmosphere took hold, and one morning everyone woke up with a peculiar of amnesia. Both the Martians and Venusians forgot that they were from different planets and were suppose to be different. And since that day men and women have been in conflict.

We expect the opposite sex to be more like ourselves. We desire them to “want what we want” and “feel the way we feel”. We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways- the ways we react and behave when we love someone. We have forgotten that men and women are supposed to be different. Clearly recognizing and respecting these differences dramatically reduce confusion when dealing with the opposite sex.

Men continue to expect women to think and react like men, and women expect men to feel and behave like women. Without a clear awareness of our differences, we don’t take the time to understand and respect each other. We become demanding, resentful, judgmental, and tolerant. When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom.

1. Mr. Fix-it and the Home Improvement Committee
The most frequently expressed complaint women have about men is that men don’t listen.
The most frequently expressed complaint men have about women is that women are
always trying to change them.
These two problems can finally be solved by first understanding why men offer solutions and women seek to improve.

Men are more interested in “objects” and “things” rather than people’s feelings.
They don’t read magazines like psychology today. Self help books, or people today. They are more concerned with outdoor activities, like hunting, fishing, and racing cars. They are interested in the news, weather and sports and couldn’t care less about romance novels and self-help books.

For a man, “autonomy” is a symbol of efficiency, power and competence. To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn’t know what to do or that he can’t do it on his own. Men are very touchy about this, because the issue of competence is so very important to them.

Because he is handling his problems on his own, a man rarely talks about his problems unless he needs expert advice. Asking for help when you can do it yourself is perceived as a sign of a weakness. If he truly does need help, then it is a sign of wisdom to get it. In this case, he will find someone he respects and then talk about his problem. Talking about a problem on mars is an invitation for advice.

When a woman innocently shares upset feelings or explores out loud the problems of her day, a man mistakenly assumes

she’s looking for some expert advice. He puts on his Mr. Fix it hat and begins giving advice; this is his way of showing love and trying to help. He wants to help her feel better by solving her problems. He has no idea that by just listening with empathy and interest he can be supportive.

Venusians have different values. They value love, communication, beauty, and relationships. A woman’s sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships.

On Venus, they are very involved in personal growth, spiritually and everything that can nurture life, healing and growth. Venusians are very intuitive, anticipate, offer help without being asked.

Because proving one’s competence is not as important to a woman, offering help is not offensive, and needing help is not a sign of weakness. A man, however, may feel offended because when a woman offers advice he doesn’t feel she trusts his ability to do it himself. But offering help to a man can make him feel incompetent, weak and even unloved. Women firmly believe that when something is working it can always work better. Their nature is to want to improve things. Offering advice and constructor criticism is an act of love.

Mars is very different. Martians are more solution oriented. If something is working, their motto is don’t change it. “Don’t fix it unless it’s broken.”
For men, a way of honoring another man is always to assume he can solve his problem unless he’s asking for help.

Generally speaking, when a woman offers unsolicited advice or tries to help a man, she has no idea of how critical and unloving she may sound to him. Its reaction may be strong, especially if he felt criticized as a child or he experienced his father being criticized by his mother. For many men, it’s very important to prove that they can get to their goal, even if it is a small thing.

Likewise, if a man does not understand how a woman is different, he can make things worse when he is trying to help. Men need to remember that women talk about problems to get close and not necessarily to get solutions. So many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her husband, thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow to her problems.

Women never offer solutions when someone is talking. A way of honoring another woman is to listen patiently with empathy, seeking truly to understand the other’s feelings.

1. A man tries to change a woman’s feelings when she is upset by becoming Mr. Fix- it and offering solutions to her problems that invalidate her feelings.

2. A woman tries to change a man’s behavior when he makes mistakes by becoming the home-improvement committee and offering unsolicited advice or criticism.

Solutions:

A woman greatly appreciates Mr. Fix-it, as long as he doesn’t come out when she’s upset. Men need to remember that when women seem upset and talk about problems is not the time to offer solutions; instead she needs to be heard and gradually she will feel better on her own. She doesn’t need to be fixed.

A man greatly appreciates the home-improvement committee as long as it is requested. Women need to remember that unsolicited advice or criticism-especially if he has made a mistake-make him feel unloved and controlled. He needs her acceptance more than her advice. When a man feels like the woman is not trying to improve him, he is much more likely to ask for her feed back and advice.

When our partner resists us, it is probably because we have made a mistake in our timing or approach.

A man wants to make improvements when he feels he is being approached as the solution to a problem than as the problem itself.

2. Men Go to Their Caves and Women Talk

Men feel better by solving problems, women feel better by talking about problems. To feel better, men go to their caves. To feel better, women get together and openly talk about their problems.

Women are not ashamed of having problems. Their egos are dependent not on looking “competent” but rather on being in loving relationships.

When a man is stressed he will withdraw in to the cave of his mind and focus on solving a problem. He generally picks the most urgent problem or the most difficult. He becomes so focused on solving this one problem that he temporarily loses awareness of everything else. Other problems and responsibilities fade in to the background. As such times, he becomes increasingly distant, forgetful, unresponsive, and preoccupied in his relationships.

If, however, he can find a solution, instantly he will feel much better and come out of his cave; suddenly he is available for being in a relationship again. However, if he can’t find a solution to this problem, then he remains stuck in the cave. To get unstuck he is drawn to solving little problems, like reading the news, watching TV, driving his car, doing physical exercise, watching a football game, and so forth. Then the next day he can redirect his focus to his problem with greater success.

When a man is stuck in his cave, he is powerless to give his partner the quality attention she deserves. It’s hard for her to be accepting of him at these times because he doesn’t know how stressed he is. She feels he is ignoring her.

Women generally do not understand how men cope with stress. They expect men to open up and talk about all their problems the way women do. When a man is stuck in his cave, a woman resents his not being more open. She feels hurt when he turns on the news or goes outside to play some basketball and ignores her. When men go to their caves they tend to forget that their friends may be having problems too. An instinct takes over that says, before you can take care of anybody else, you must take care of yourself.

When a woman sees a man react in this way, she generally resists it and resents the man.

She may ask for his support in a demanding tone, as if she has to fight for her rights with this uncaring man. Men generally have little awareness of how distant they become when they are in the cave. When a man begins to ignore his wife, she often takes it personally.

A woman under stress is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood. By randomly talking about her problems she becomes less upset. As a man under stress tends to focus on one problem and forget others, a woman under stress tends to expand and become over-whelmed by all problems.

To forget her own painful feelings, a woman may become emotionally involved in the problems of others. Just as a man is fulfilled through working out the indelicate details of solving a problem, a woman is fulfilled through talking about the details of her problems.

Men realized that even when they felt they were being attacked, blamed, or criticized by women, it was only temporary; soon women would suddenly feel better and be very appreciative and accepting. By learning to listen, men discovered how much women really thrived on-talking about problems.

Women also found peace of mind when they finally understood that a man going to his cave was not a sign that he didn’t love her as much. They learned to be more accepting of him at these because he was experiencing a lot of stress.

3. How to Motivate the Opposite Sex

Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed. Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished.

Men have a win/lose philosophy. Being in love, they wanted women to win as much as themselves.

The Martians were very motivated by the possibility of making a difference on Venus. The Martian race was moving to a new level of evolution. They were no longer satisfied by just proving themselves and developing their power. They wanted to use their power and skills in the service of others, especially in the service of women. They were beginning to develop a new philosophy, a win/win philosophy. They wanted a world where everyone cared for themselves as well as for others.

Similarly, when a man is in love he is motivated to be the best he can be in order to serve others. When his heart is open, he feels so confident in himself that he is capable of making major changes. Given the opportunity to prove his potential, he expresses his best self. Only when he feels he can not succeed does he regress back to his old selfish ways.

Not to be needed is a slow death for a man.
Most men have little awareness of how important it is to a woman to feel supported by someone who cares. When a woman is upset, overwhelmed, confused, exhausted, or helpless, what she needs the most is simple companionship. She needs to feel she’s not alone. She needs to feel loved and cherished.

A woman’s tendency to be compulsive relaxes as she remembers that she is worthy of love, she doesn’t have to earn it, she can relax, give less and receive more. She deserves it.

Women lived by lose/win philosophy. But after doing this for centuries that women were tired of always caring about one another and sharing everything. Many women today are also tired of giving. They want time off. Time to explore being themselves. They want someone to provide emotional support. At this point, men were learning to give while women were now ready to learn how to receive. After centuries, women and men had reached an important stage in the evolution.

When a woman realizes she has been giving too much, she tends to blame her partner for their unhappiness. She feels the injustice of giving more than she has received. Blaming doesn’t work.

As a man experiences limits, he is motivated to give more. Through respecting limits, he automatically is motivated to question the effectiveness behavior patterns and to start making changes. When a woman realizes that in order to receive she needs to set limits, then automatically she begins to forgive her partner and explore new ways of asking for and receiving support. When a woman set limits, she gradually learns to relax and receive more.

Setting limits and receiving are very scary for a woman. Deep inside her unconscious she holds the incorrect belief that she is unworthy of receiving more. A woman is particularly vulnerable to the negative and incorrect belief that she doesn’t deserve to be loved.

Because she is afraid of not being supported, she unknowingly pushes away the support she needs. When a man receives the message that she doesn’t trust him to fulfill her needs, then he feels immediately rejected and is turned off. This communicates to him the message that she doesn’t trust him to support her.

When a woman realizes that she truly deserves to be loved, she is opening the door for a man to give to her. But when it takes her 10 years of over giving in a marriage to realize that she deserves more, ironically, she feels like closing the door and not giving him the chance. When she wakes up and remembers her needs, he also wakes up and wants to give her more. When the Venusians were ready to receive the Martians were ready to give. A man’s deepest fear is that he is not good enough or that he is in incompetent. Just as women are afraid of receiving, men are afraid of giving. The first step for a man in learning how to give more is to realize that it is OK to make mistakes and it is OK to fall and that he doesn’t have to have all the answers. He needed the acceptance and the encouragement that he was good enough for her, and then he could feel how much he cared. It is difficult for a man to listen to a woman when she is unhappy or disappointed because he feels like a failure.

4. Speaking Different Languages

. the Martians and Venusians languages had the same words, but the way they were used gave different meanings. To fully express their feelings, women assume poetic license to use various superlatives, metaphors, and generalizations. The number 1 complaint women have in relationships is “I don’t feel heard”. Even this complaint is misunderstood by men.

One of the biggest challenges for men is correctly to interpret and support a woman when she is talking about her feelings. The biggest challenge for women is correctly to interpret and support a man when he isn’t talking. Silence is most easily misinterpreted by women. When a man is silent it is easy for a woman to imagine the worst.

Why women talk??1. To convey or gather information.
2. To explore and discover what it is she wants to say.
3. To feel better and more centered when she is upset.
4. To create intimacy.

Never go in to a man’s cave or you will be burned by the dragon. When a man goes into his cave, he’s generally wounded or stressed and is trying to solve his problem alone. To give him the support that a woman would want is counterproductive.

How to support a man in his cave

1. Don’t disapprove of his need for withdrawing.
2. Don’t try to help him solve his problem by offering solutions.
3. Don’t try to nurture him by asking questions about his feelings.
4. Don’t sit next to the door of the cave and wait for him to come out.
5. Don’t worry about him or feel sorry for him.
6. Do something that makes you happy
-anything that distracts her or helps her to feel good will be helpful to him.

These are some examples.
. Read a book
. Listen to music.
. Work in the garden.
. Take a bubble bath.
. Exercise.
. Get a massage.
. Call a girlfriend.
. Go shopping.
. Pray.
. Watch TV.
. Cook something delicious.

It is very difficult for a man to differentiate between empathy and sympathy. He hates to be pitied. That’s why too much caring for him is smothering.

5. Men are Like Rubber Bands

When a man loves a woman, periodically he needs to pull away before he can get closer. A man automatically alternates between needing intimacy and autonomy. To a certain extent a man loses himself through connecting with his partner. There are two ways a woman may unknowingly obstruct her male partner’s natural intimacy cycle. They are (1) chasing him when he pulls away; and (2) punishing him for pulling away.

Chasing behaviors:1. Physical-when he pulls away, she physically follows him.
2. Emotional-when he pulls away she emotionally follows him by worrying about him, feeling sorry for him.
3. Mental-she may try to pull him back mentally by asking him guilt-inducing questions, or trying to please him becoming overly accommodating.

Punishing behaviors:
1. Physical-when he begins to desire her again, she rejects him. She pushes away his physical affection.
2. Emotional-when he returns, she is unhappy and she blames him.
3. Mental-when he returns she refuses to open up and share her feelings.

6. Women are Like Waves

When a woman’s wave rises feels she has an abundance of love to give, but when it falls she feels her inner emptiness and needs to be filled up with love. This time of bottoming out is a time for emotional housecleaning.

A woman’s ability to give and receive love in her relationships is generally a reflection of how she is feeling about herself. When she is not felling as good about herself, she is unable to be as accepting and appreciative of her partner.

When a man loves a woman she begins to shine with love and fulfillment. Most men naively expect that shine to last forever. Men pull back and then get close, while women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others.

A man assumes that her sudden change of mood is based solely on his behavior. When she is happy he takes credit, but when she is unhappy he also feels responsible.
When a woman is going down she needs to hit bottom before she could come up.

The last thing a woman needs when she is on her way down is someone telling her why she shouldn’t be won. What she needs is someone to be with her as she goes down, to listen to her while she shares her feelings, and to empathize with what she is going through. Even if a man can’t fully understand why a woman feels overwhelmed, he can offer his love, attention and support.

When a woman goes into her well, if she feels supported, she doesn’t necessarily feel better right away. She may feel worse. But that is a sign that his support may be helping. His support may actually help her to hit bottom sooner, and then she can and will feel better. To genuinely come up she first needs to hit bottom. That is the cycle.

Even when a man is succeeding in supporting a woman she may become even more upset. To support a woman when she is in her well is a special gift that she will greatly appreciate.

There are 3 points each man should realize.
A man’s love and support cannot instantly resolve a woman’s issues
A woman going into her well is not a man’s fault of his failure.
A woman has within herself the ability to spontaneously rise up after she has hit the bottom.

Avoiding arguments and fights certainly is healthy but not by suppressing feelings. When negative feelings are suppressed, positive feelings become suppressed as well, and love dies.

Even a strong, confident, and successful woman will need to visit her well from time to time.

When the man is not capable of listening attentively with caring, understanding, and respect, these 3 actions can help:

Accept your limitations- Don’t try to listen when you can’t
Understand her pain- she can be more trusting forgiving if you are caring and understanding of her hurt.
Avoid arguing and give reassurance- Reassure her that you will be back, and then you will be able to give her the support she deserves.

It puts too much pressure on a man to make him the only source of love and support.

7. Discovering our Different Emotional Needs

Men and women generally are unaware that they have different emotional needs. As a result they do not instinctively know how to support each other. Men typically give in relationships what men want, while women give what women want. Each mistakenly assumes that the other has the same needs and desires. As a result they both end up dissatisfied and resentful

Most of our complex emotional needs can be summarized as the need for love. Men and women each have six unique love needs that are all equally important.

Women need to Receive ---------------- Men need to ReceiveCaring--------------------------------------- Trust
Understanding-------------------------------Acceptance
Respect--------------------------------------Appreciation
Devotion-------------------------------------Admiration
Validation--------------------------------- --Approval
Reassurance---------------------------------Encouragement

Fulfilling a primary need is required before one is able fully to receive and appreciate the other kinds of love.

1. She needs caring and he needs Trust
When he shows interest and concern → she feels loved and cared for → she feels special → she begins to trust him → she becomes more open and receptive → he feels trusted → he sees a true belief in his abilities → he is more caring

2. She needs understanding and he needs acceptance
When he listens without judgment → she feels heard → it is easier for her to give him the acceptance he needs → she lovingly receives him without trying to change him → he feels accepted → he can give her the understanding she needs and deserves.

3. She needs respect and he needs appreciationWhen he prioritizes her rights, wishes and needs → she feels respected → when he considers her thoughts and feelings → she feels respected → it is easier for her to give him the appreciation he deserves → she acknowledges receiving personal benefit and value from his efforts and behavior → he feels appreciated → he knows his effort is not wasted → he is encouraged to give more → he is empowered and motivated to respect her more.

4. She needs devotion and he needs admiration
When he proudly commits himself to supporting and fulfilling her→ she feels adored and special→ when he makes her needs and feelings more important that his other interests→ she feels she is number one in his life→ she easily admires him→ he feels her admiration→ she regards him wit wonder, delight and pleased approval→ she is happily amazed by his unique characteristics→ he feels admired→ he feels secure to devote himself to his woman and adore her.

5. She needs validation and he needs approvalWhen he doesn’t object to her feelings and wants, but accepts and confirms their validity→ she feels loved→ he confirms her right to feel the way she does→ he gets the approval he needs→ he receives a signal that he has passed her tests and become her hero→ he is satisfied and validates her feelings.

6. she needs she needs reassurance & he needs encouragement
When he repeatedly shows care, understanding ,respect validation & devotion → she feels reassured → she feels continually loved → she expresses confidence in his abilities → she expresses trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration & approval → he Is encouraged to give her the loving reassurance she needs

Story
Imagine a knight in his shining armor traveling through the countryside. suddenly he hears a woman crying out in distress in an instant he comes alive urging his horse to gallop ,he races to her castle, where she is trapped by a dragon the noble knight pulls out his sword &slays the dragon .as a result, he is lovingly received by the process.

As the gates open he is welcomed & celebrated by the family of the princess & the townspeople .he is invited to live in town & is acknowledged as a hero .he & the princess fall in love.

A month later the noble knight goes off on another trip .on his way back ,he hears his beloved princess crying out for help another dragon has attacked the castle .when the knight arrives he out his sword to slay the dragon.

Before he swings, the princess cries out from the tower, don’t use your sword, use this noose. It will work better . She throws him the noose & motions to him instructors. About how to use it .he hesitantly follows her instructions. He wraps it around dragon’s neck & then pulls hard. The dragon dies &everyone rejoices.

At the celebration dinner the knight feels he didn’t really do anything. Somehow, because he used her noose & didn’t use his sword, he doesn’t quite feel worthy of the towns trust & admiration. After the event he is slightly depressed & forgets to shine his armor. A month later he goes on yet another trip. As he leave with his sword the princess reminds him to be careful tells him to take the noose. On his way home he sees yet another dragon attacking the castle. This time he rushes forward with his sword but hesitates, thinking maybe he should use the noose. In that moment of hesitation the dragon breathes fire & burns his right arm. In confusion he looks up & sees his princess waving from the castle window

“Use the poison” she yells .the noose doesn’t work.
She throws him the poison which he pours into the dragon’s mouth & the dragon dies .everyone rejoices & celebrates .but the knight feels ashamed.

A month later he goes on another trip. As he leaves with his sword, the princess reminds him to be careful, & to bring the noose & the poison. He is annoyed by her suggestions but brings them just in case.

This time on his journey he hears another woman in distress. As he rushes to her call, his depression is lifted & he feels confident & alive. But as he draws his sword to slay the dragon, he again hesitates. He wonders should I use my sword the noose or the poison? What would the princess say?

For a moment he is confused .but then he remembers how he had felt before he knew the princess back in the days when he only carried a sword .with a burst of renewed confidence he throws off the noose &the poison &charges the dragon with his trusted sword .he slays the dragon & the townspeople rejoice.

The knight in shining armor never returned to his princess. he stayed in his new village lived happily ever after. He eventually married but only after making sure his new partner knew nothing about nooses & poisons.

The knight in shining armor never returned to his princess. He stayed in his new village and lived happily ever after. He eventually married, but only after making sure his new partner know nothing about nooses and poison.

Women generally don’t realize the ways they communicate that are unsupportive and hurtful to the male ego.
Men also don’t recognize the ways they communicate that are disrespectful and unsupportive to women.

8. How to Avoid Arguments?

Just as communication is the most important element in a relationship, arguments can be the most destructive element.

Most couples start out arguing about one thing and within five minutes, are arguing about the way they are arguing.

The four F’s for avoiding hurt in an argument:

Fight: this comes from the man, when he feels the conversation becomes unloving, he moves into an offensive stance, “the best defense is a strong offense”- so he starts on blaming, judging, criticizing and when his partner backs down, he assumes he has won. Intimidation always weakens trust in a relationship.

Flight: this also comes from the man. To avoid confrontation he might retire into his cave and never come out. The short-term gain is piece and harmony, but if issues are not being talked about then resentments will build.

Fake: this stance comes from women. To avoid being hurt, she pretends there’s no problem, but over time she becomes increasingly resentful, which blocks the natural expression of love.

Fold: this stance also comes from women. Rather than argue, she takes the blame and assume responsibility for whatever is upsetting her partner, but she ends up losing herself.

The Anatomy of an argument

Step1: A woman expresses her upset feelings about “XYZ”

Step2: A man explains why she shouldn’t be upset about “XYZ”

Step3: She feels invalidated and becomes more upset (she is now more upset about being invalidated than about “XYZ”)

Step4: He feels her disapproval and becomes upset. He blames her for upsetting him and expects an apology before making up.

Step5: She apologizes and wonders what happened, or she becomes more upset and the argument escalates into a battle.

Men rarely say “I’m sorry” because on mars it means you have done something wrong and you are apologizing

The most common way women unknowingly start arguments is by not being direct when they share their feelings

Men are most prone to argue when they have made a mistake or upset the woman they love.

Our critical pair of problems from which arguments arise:
1. The man feels that the woman disapproves of his point of view
2. The woman disapproves of the way the man is talking to her.

9. Scoring Points With the Opposite Sex

When a woman keeps score, no matter how big or small a gift of love is, it scores one point; each gift has equal value. Little things make a big difference.

101 ways to score points with a woman:

1. Upon returning home find her first before doing anything else and give her a hug.
2. Ask her specific questions about her day that indicate an awareness of what she was planning to do
3. Practice listening and asking questions
4. Resist the temptation to solve her problems- empathize instead
5. Give her twenty minutes of unsolicited, quality attention.
6. Bring her cut flowers as a surprise as well as on special occasions
7. Plan a date several days in advance, rather than waiting for Friday night and asking her what she wants to do.
8. If she generally makes dinner or if it is her turn and she seems tired or really busy, offer to make dinner.
9. Compliment her on how she looks
10. Validate her feelings when she is upset
11. Offer to help her when she’s tired
12. Schedule extra time when traveling so that she doesn’t have to rush
13. When you are going to be late, call her and let her know
14. When she asks for support, say yes or no without making her wrong for asking
15. Whenever her feelings have been hurt, give her some empathy and tell her, “I’m sorry you feel hurt.” Then be silent; let her feel your understanding of her hurt. Don’t offer solutions or explanations why her hurt is not your fault.
16. Whenever you need to pull away, let her know you will be back or that you need sometime to think about things
17. When you’ve cooled off and you come back, talk about what was bothering you in a respectful, non blaming way, so she doesn’t imagine the worst
18. Offer to build a fire in wintertime
19. When she talks to you, put down the magazine or turn off the TV and give her your full attention
20. If she usually washes the dishes, occasionally offer to wash the dishes, especially if she is tired that day
21. Notice when she is upset or tired and ask what she has to do. Then offer to help by doing a few of her “to do” items.
22. When going out, ask if there is anything she wants you to pick up at the store, and remember to pick it up
23. Let her know when you are planning to take a nap or leave
24. Give her four hugs a day
25. Call her from work to ask how she is or to share something exciting or to tell her “I love you”.
26. Tell her “I love your” at least a couple of times a day
27. Make the bed and clean up the bedroom
28. If she washes your socks, turn your socks
29. Notice when the trash is full and offer to empty it
30. when you are out of town, call to leave a telephone number where you can be reached and to let her know you arrived safely
31. Wash her car
32. Wash your car and clean up the interior before a date with her
33. Wash before having sex or put on a cologne if she likes that
34. Take her side when she is upset with someone
35. Offer to give her a back or neck or foot massage
36. Make a point of cuddling or being affectionate sometimes without being sexual
37. Be patient when she is sharing. Don’t look at your watch
38. Don’t flick the remote control to different channels when she’s watching TV with you
39. Display affection is public
40. When holding hands don’t let your hand go limp
41. Learn her favorite drinks so you can offer her a choice of the ones that you know she really likes
42. Suggest different restaurants for going out; don’t put the burden of figuring out where to go on her
43. Get season tickets for the theater, cinema, symphony, opera, ballet, or some other type of performance
44. Create occasions when you both can dress up
45. Be understanding when she is late or decides to change her outfit
46. Pay more attention to her than to others in public
47. Make her more important than the children. Let the children see her getting your attention first and foremost
48. Buy her little presents – like a small box of chocolates or perfume
49. Buy her an outfit or a dress
50. Take pictures of her on special occasions
51. take short romantic getaways
52. Let her see that you carry a picture of her in your wallet and update it from time to time
53. When staying in a hotel, have them prepare the room with something special, like a bottle of champagne or flowers
54. Write a note or make a sign on special occasions such as anniversaries and birthdays
55. offer to drive the car on long trips
56. Drive slowly and safely, respecting her preferences. After all she is sitting powerless in the front seat
57. Notice how she is feeling and comment on it (“you look happy today” or “you look tired”) and then ask a question like “How was your day?”
58. When taking her out, study in advance the directions so that she does not have to feel responsible to navigate
59. Take her dancing or take dancing lessons together
60. Surprise her with a love note or poem
61. Treat her in ways you did at the beginning of the relationship
62. offer to fix something around the house
63. offer to sharpen her knives in the kitchen
64. Buy some good super glue to fix things that are broken
65. offer to change light bulbs as soon as they go out
66. Help with recycling the trash
67. Read out loud or cut out sections of the newspaper that would interest her
68. Write out neatly any phone messages you may take for her
69. Keep the bathroom floor clean and dry after taking a shower
70. open the door for her
71. offer to carry the groceries
72. Offer to carry heavy boxes for her
73. On trips, handle the luggage and be responsible for packing it near the car
74. If she washes the dishes offer to help scrub pots or other tasks
75. Make a “to fix” list and leave it in the kitchen
76. When she prepares a small meal, compliment her cooking
77. When listening to her talk, use eye contact
78. Touch her with your hand sometimes when you talk to her
79. Show interest in what she does during the day, in the books she reads and people she relates to
80. When listening to her, reassure her that you’re interested by making little noises like aha, oh, mmmm,…
81. Ask her how she is feeling
82. If she has been sick in some way, ask for an update and ask how she is doing or feeling
83. If she is tired, offer to make her some tea
84. Get ready to go to sleep together and get in bed at the same time
85. Give her a kiss and say Good bye when you leave
86. Laugh at her jokes and humor
87. Verbally say thank you when she does things for you
88. Notice when she gets her hair done and give a reassuring compliment
89. Create special time to be a lone together
90. Don’t answer the phone at intimate moments or if she’s sharing vulnerable feelings
91. Go bicycling together, even if it’s just a short ride
92. Organize and prepare a picnic
93. If she handle s the laundry, bring the clothes to the cleaners or offer to do the wash
94. Take her for a walk without the children
95. Negotiate in a manner that sows her that you want her to get what she wants and you also want what you want. Be caring, but don’t be a martyr
96. Let her know that you missed her when you went away
97. Bring home her favorite pie or dessert
98. If she normally shops for the food, offer to go with her or do the food shopping
99. Eat lightly on romantic occasions so that you don’t become stuffed and tired later
100. Ask her to add her thoughts to this list
101. Leave the toilet seat down

Most men strive for greater and greater success because they believe it will make them worthy of love

There are five major reasons a man stops giving:
1. Martians idealize fairness
A man focuses all his energies into a project at work and thinks he has just scored fifty points. Then he comes home and sits back, waiting for his wife to score her fifty points. He doesn’t know that in her experience he has only scored one point. He stops giving because he thinks he has already given more

2. Venusians idealize Unconditional Love
A woman gives as much as she can and only notices that she has received less when she is empty and spent. Women don’t start out keeping score like men do; women give freely and assume men will do the same.

Men are not the same, a man gives freely until the score, as he perceives it, gets uneven, and then sits back to receive what he has given
When a woman is happily giving to a man, he instinctively assumes she is keeping score and he must have more points

3. Martians Give when they are asked
Martians pride themselves in being self-sufficient. They don’t ask for help unless they really need it. On Mars, it is rude to offer help unless you are first asked. Venusians don’t wait to offer their support. When they love someone, they give in anyway they can. They do not wait to be asked, and the more they love someone the more they give

4. Venusians say yes even when the score is uneven
Men don’t realize that when they ask for support, a woman will say yes, even if the score is uneven. If they can support their man, they will. The concept of keeping score is not on her mind. Men have to be careful not to ask for too much. If she feels she is giving more than she is getting, after a while she will resent that you don’t offer to support her more

5. Martians give penalty pointsWomen don’t realize that men give penalty points when they feel unloved and unsupported. When a woman reacts to a man in an untrusting, rejecting, disapproving, or unappreciative way, he gives minus or penalty points

HOW WOMEN CAN SCORE BIG WITH MEN

1. He makes a mistake and she doesn’t say “I told you so and so” or offer advice (10-20 points)
2. He disappoints her and she doesn’t punish him (10-20 points)
3. He gets lost while driving and she doesn’t make a big deal out of it (10-20 points)
4. He gets lost and she sees the good in the situation and says “we would never have seen this beautiful sunset if we had taken the most direct route” (20-30 points)
5. He forgets to pick up something and she says “it’s okay. Would you do it next time you’re out?”(10-20 points)
6. He forgets to pick up something again and she says with trusting patience and persistence “it’s OK. Would you still get it?” (20-30 points)
7. When she has hurt him and she understands his hurt, she apologizes and gives him the love he needs (10-40 points)
8. She asks for support and he says no and she is not hurt by his rejection but trusts that he would if he could. She does not reject him or disapprove of him (10-20 points)
9. Another time she asks for his support and he again says no. She doesn’t make him feel wrong but accepts his limitations at this time (20-30 points)
10. She asks for his support without being demanding when he assumes the score is somewhat even (1-5- points)
11. She asks for his support without being demanding when she is upset or he knows she has been giving more (10-30 points)
12. When he withdraws she doesn’t make him feel guilty (10-20 points)
13. When he comes back from his cave she welcomes him not reject him (10-20 points)
14. When he apologizes for a mistake and she receives it with a loving acceptance and forgiveness. The bigger the mistake he makes the more points he gives (10-50 points)
15. When he asks her to do something and she says no without giving a list of reasons why she can’t do it (1-10 points)
16. When he asks her to do something and she says yes and stays in a good mood (1-10 points)
17. When he wants to make up after a fight and starts doing little things for her and she starts appreciating him again (10-30 points)
18. She is happy to see him when he gets home (10-20 points)
19. She feels disapproving and instead of expressing it she goes in another room and privately centers herself and then comes back with a more centered and loving heart (10-20 points)
20. On special occasions she overlooks his mistakes that might normally upset her (20-40 points)
21. She really enjoys having sex with him (10-40 points)
22. He forgets where he put his keys and she doesn’t look at him as though he was irresponsible (10-20 points)
23. She is tactful or graceful in expressing her dislike or disappointment about a restaurant or a movie when on a date (10-20 points)
24. She doesn’t give advice when he is driving or parking the car and then appreciate him for getting them there (10-20 points)
25. She asks for his support rather than dwelling on what he has done wrong (10-20 points)
26. She shares her negative feelings in a centered way without blaming, rejecting, or being disapproving of him (10-40 points)

If a man has made a mistake and feels embarrassed, sorry, or ashamed, then he needs her love more … the bigger the mistake, the more points he gives

When a man is in a negative state,… treat him like a passing tornado and lie low

Gender Appreciation & Acceptance: Mars And Venus ON a Date Dr John Gray

· When we misinterpret each other, it can cause us to sabotage our relationships unknowingly.
· Dating is awkward and has definite moments of pain and discomfort.
· The faster way of finding a special partner or being found by someone is to create positive dating experiences.
· Learning from mistakes helps prevent the repetition of negative patterns.

· Most people date several people before finding the right one. Each time you go out and discover that this is the wrong person for you, your mind will self-correct, and next time you will feel more attracted to someone who is closer to being the right person. To self-correct after each shot, we need to get the correct feedback.
· How you end a relationship has an enormous impact on the quality of your next relationship. Good endings make good beginnings.
· Without an open heart, it is much more difficult to find the right person. When our hearts are open we can be assured that we are getting closer to our goal. When our hearts are closed, however, we tend to repeat the same experiences.
· It is human nature to want to go back and fix things or change things that we regret. So often after breaking up, many couples find that they can be better friends, simply because when you try to fit a square peg into a round hole, it is just not going to fit no matter what you do.
· How do you know when someone is right?? The most accurate answer to this question is that you “just know” when you have created the right conditions to know.
· Moving through the five stages of dating creates the right conditions for you to develop the ability to “just know” when the right person comes along. It also allows you to “just know” when you are with the wrong person.
· Just because you love someone doesn’t mean that he or she is the one for you. In most cases it takes both time and progression through the five stages before you can recognize your true life partner.
· There are games and manipulations to make someone love you and want to marry you, but this doesn’t ensure that he or she will be right for you.
· It was fine in previous generations to marry someone without first getting to know him or her, because the need for security was the basis of marriage. For most couples in history, marriage meant the end of romance.

· A soul mate is someone who has the unique ability to bring out the best in us. Soul mates are not perfect, but perfect for us. There are basically four types of chemistry between dating partners:
1. Physical chemistry generates desire and arousal
2. Emotional chemistry generates affection, caring and trust
3. Mental chemistry creates interest and receptivity
4. Spiritual chemistry opens our hearts, creating love, appreciation and respect
A soul mate includes all four.

· The most change happens on the physical level. Everything on the physical plane is always changing. As we progress to the emotional plane, we change less.
Physical chemistry is very short-lived. That is why, when a relationship passes the test of time, the love is real.
· Choosing a soul mate is not a mental decision based on pros and cons of a relationship. It is not an emotional decision based on how a person makes you feel. It is not a physical decision based on how a person looks. It is much deeper.
· When our soul wants to marry our partner it feels like a promise that we came into this world to keep. It feels as if we are supposed to be together and share our lives. It feels as if we have no choice. It empowers us to make the necessary sacrifices and overcome the inevitable challenges that come with marriage.
· The first challenge in the process of dating is to give up searching for your soul mate and instead focus on preparing yourself so that you can recognize your soul mate when he or she appears. Most people find or are found by their soul mates when they are not really looking. When you are ready, your soul mate will appear.
· Another important insight about soul mates is that they are never perfect. They will not have everything on your list of ideal qualities, but when your heart is open and you know them, they are somehow perfect for you.
· Overall, being fulfilled as a single person is the basis of finding the right person and being successful in marriage.

· There are usually five stages in the dating process-

1. Stage One: Attraction

-The alchemy of creating a loving relationship is a very delicate balance of give-and-take.
-In stage one, quite often it is the anticipation that we can get what we need or what we want from a relationship with a potential partner that tends to sustain attraction.
-Whenever a man does something to make a woman feel special, in her eyes he becomes more attractive.
-If he takes the risk of asking for her number or asking her out, she is inclined to say yes just because he took the risk. It makes her feel special and she feels flattered.
-A woman can sense if a man’s ability to feel good about himself is dependent on her responses to his advances. If she has to be overly sensitive not to hurt his feelings, then he becomes less attractive. When she is free not to worry about him, but simply enjoy the fact that he cares about her, then she becomes more attracted to him.
-A woman assumes that if she listens to him with great interest, he will be more interested in her. This is true on Venus, but not true on Mars. For a man to become more interested in a woman, she needs to do more of the talking and authentically shares herself in a positive manner.
-When a woman dwells on negative feelings or problems in her life, instead of valuing her willingness to share openly, a man mistakenly assumes that she is difficult to please.
-Just as a woman is attracted to a man who shows interest in her, a man is attracted to a woman who clearly can be pleased. When she appears to be difficult to please, he may easily become turned off.
-A woman needs to be careful to share the positive side of her life and avoid dwelling on negative experiences. Conversation should be light, not heavy, focused on current events in the world and their lives, but discussed in a positive manner. This does not imply in any way that she should be fake. Authenticity is what makes anyone most attractive.
-Too much intimacy, too quickly, can cause women to be needy and men to pull away. Just as men have tendency to rush into physical intimacy, women make the mistake of rushing into complete emotional intimacy.
-A woman doesn’t instinctively understand that after being receptive to a man’s advances and appreciating his efforts, she doesn’t owe him anything.
-When a man is attracted to a woman, he gets excited because he anticipates that he can make her happy and that in turn makes him feel really good; it brings the best of him out. The anticipation of more is very important to keep him interested. If he feels completely satisfied, then there is no distance for him to continue traveling to pursue her. Distance not only makes the heart grow fonder, but gives a man the opportunity to pursue. Without movement and opportunity for more, a man can easily lose interest necessary to move through all five stages of dating.
-When women do not understand men, they easily make the mistake of diffusing the attraction by continuing to give back, instead of increasing the attraction by continuing to receive.
-A woman need never feel obligated to please a man.
-Romance for her is the opportunity to relax and let someone else take charge of her needs.
-When a man feels empty, and can succeed in fulfilling a woman’s needs, a simple smile and a thank you from her are plenty for him.
-A wise woman needs to remember that even if he has the potential to be the man for her dreams, he is not yet. She needs to remember that they are in stage one.

2. Stage Two: Uncertainty

-Stage one is a time to meet and get to know a variety of people. Stage two is a time to focus on one. This is the time to make a decision to give the relationship a chance.
-During this stage of uncertainty, the grass temporarily looks greener on the other side of the fence. For a man, other women may begin to seem more appealing. He may begin to question his feeling: “I like her, but she is not my picture.” A Man doubts and is uncertain when he gets the feeling or assumes that he cannot make her happy.
-As long as a man has not experienced the reality of making a woman happy, he will hold a fantasy picture.
-When a man focuses on what he wants, he is sure to miss the perfect women for him.
-When this happens, she senses the man pulling away. To find reassurance, she makes one of two common mistakes. Either she starts asking questions about the relationship, or she may try to win him over. Both of these approaches can push him away to prevent him from feeling confident that he is the right guy for her.
-While a man tends to question whether he wants to pursue a relationship, a woman tends to question where the relationship is going.
-When a man stops pursuing a woman, a woman’s task is to resist the enormous urge to find out what has happened or to do something about it. It is a time to fill up her life with the support of friends. If he pulls away, she should gracefully allow him take his distance. If she can fill up her life with the support of friends and family and she still misses him, it is a good sign.
-This is why, traditionally, women don’t call men. The wise woman waits for him to pursue her. Yet there is a time for a woman to call. It is foolish to wait passively. A wise woman can create the opportunity for a man to pursue her.
-What to do when he doesn’t call? If a man doesn’t call for a while, it is a good idea for the woman to give him a call but not to pursue him or tell him what she feels about being ignored. She can call just to say hi, to thank him for something, or to ask a question that he has some expertise about, so he clearly gets the message that she is not harboring any resentment because he didn’t call. The worst thing she can do is to call him and interrogate him about his feelings about her and the relationship.
-Sometimes when a man is in stage two he temporarily forgets about a woman. Two days, two weeks, or even two months may pass by in a flash, and then suddenly he remembers how much he likes a woman. He thinks about calling but anticipates that he will be scolded or rejected for taking so long to call. So he decides to not call and moves on. If he has received a friendly call, then he gets the clear message that he is not in trouble. This then frees him to consider pursuing her again.
-When a man comes on strong in stage one and then pulls back in stage two, a woman sometimes feels pressure to give, but by giving more she can actually sabotage a relationship. More is not always better. Instead of letting him continue to please her, she shifts to trying to please him. Inevitably her position is compromised and he loses interest.
-Quite often, a woman denies her feelings of need for a man because she doesn’t want to feel obligated. But by clearly realizing that she is under no obligation, she can begin to freely flirt with men and enjoy receiving what men can offer. The more receptive and responsive she becomes, the more attractive she will be to the kind of man who will want to marry her.
-Just because a woman enjoys a man’s gifts does not in any way obligate her to give more than a smile or a thank you.

3. Stage Three: Exclusivity

-In stage three, we build a foundation that allows us to open our hearts and truly love someone. Before this stage, we are just reacting to the anticipation of getting what we need and testing to see if we want to get involved.
-Having a primary romantic relationship and avoiding any romantic relationships on the side will build the foundation for truly loving someone.
-After a couple becomes exclusive, they often become too comfortable and begin to take each other for granted.
-A man may do everything to win a woman over, but once he has passed the finish line, he turns off his engine, parks his car, and celebrates. In stage three, he mistakenly assumes the pursuit is over. Most men think that you do little romantic things only until a woman accepts you and then you can relax.
-The problem is that men do not necessarily know what is required, particularly when it comes to romantic relationships. When he assumes he is doing enough and the woman is not happy, he quickly gives up and loses his attraction.
-Without an understanding of the importance of continuing to make romantic gestures, a man will unknowingly stop doing the very things that made him so attractive in the beginning.
-That is why, in stage three, a woman’s greatest challenge is to practice the art of asking for support. The biggest mistake a woman makes in stage three is to assume that now a man will do things without her having to ask.
-A woman becomes more attractive when a man clearly knows what she wants. He can then feel confident that he can fulfill her. The best time to ask for support is when a man stops offering it. A woman’s little requests encourage him to continue giving her what she needs.
-When a woman gives more instead of directly asking, it gives a man the wrong message. He is led to believe that either she doesn’t need his help or he is already giving enough.
-Eventually she does ask for more, but because she is feeling so resentful, she asks in a demanding tone or complains before making her request.
-Why men resist a woman’s requests? It is not that he is resisting giving the help; he is resisting her resentful attitude. A man is actually much more motivated to say yes to a woman’s requests when she asks him for support with an attitude that is free of strings, expectations, and obligations.
-Many women turn men off by making the mistake of focusing on their negative feelings before making a request. By learning to ask for what she wants in a positive way, a woman will eventually develop one of the most important skills she needs for having a successful relationship with a man.
Don’t say: “We never go out”
Do say: “Would you take me out to a concert next week end?”
-In stage three women change too. The woman’s expectations increase. She feels inclined to do more for him. As she feels she is giving more, she is no longer as excited and appreciative of the little things he does. Instead of growing in appreciation, she begins to take her partner for granted.
-The secret to success for a woman in the third stage is to continue receiving. Being responsive is at first automatic, but then a woman must consciously make a choice to focus on and express her positive responses.
-When a man takes time to move through the first three stages of dating, his physical desire expands into the emotional desire to please the woman.

4. Stage Four: Intimacy

-Using the right dating skills cannot make you love someone more or make him or her love you more, but dating skills can assist you in discovering how much love you have for a person.
-Chemistry on any level cannot be created; all you can do is create the right conditions for the person to discover what chemistry is possible.
-When you have seen the best of a person over time, then your heart has a chance to open.
-When we are turned on to a partner on all four levels of chemistry, we are ready to move on to stage four.
-In this fourth stage, it is not necessary to keep up your guard and be as positive as in other stages. A woman can open up more and communicate how she feels even when she is not in a good mood. She does not always have to be positive when they are together. Also, a man’s heart has a chance to open fully as he experiences increasing physical intimacy.
-Increased intimacy makes a woman feel more vulnerable, and as a result, her feelings will tend to rise and fall like waves. When a woman’s wave crashes, a man may mistakenly conclude that he can’t do anything to make her happy. When the wave crashes, a woman needs a man’s love the most.
-When the wave crashes she feels
1. Overwhelmed: “I have no time to go out. There is so much to do. I just can’t do it all.”
2. Insecure: “Do you think I look fat?”, ”Do you think we are right for each other? Do you still love me?”
3. Resentful: “I hate my boss. I can’t believe how much he expects me to do.”
When a woman is feeling overwhelmed, insecure or resentful, the last thing she wants is for a man to minimize the problem about which she is upset.
-The more intimate a man becomes with a woman, the more he will sometimes feel a need to pull away. However, he can return to her with even more love. Each time after he pulls away, his love has a chance to grow when he returns.
-When a man pulls away it is very important that she not pursue him or try to get him back. She must be careful not to be rejecting when he returns. The wise woman understands that “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” By giving him distance, she lets him feel his desire to pursue her and win her over and over again.
-When a man eventually tastes the fulfillment of experiencing complete physical intimacy with someone with whom he also shares emotional, mental, and spiritual intimacy, he cannot go back.
-Just to have sex when he could make love is like eating junk food when he could have a Thanksgiving feast. By taking the time to move through all the five stages, a man ensures that when he does give all of himself it will yield the greatest return.
-In stage four it is fine to switch roles occasionally. If the man has always planned the dates, she can do it now and then. If he has always been a good listener, now she just listens. If he has always initiated romance, now she initiates it sometimes. But it must be done with caution. It is so easy for a man to sit back and receive and for a woman to give too much. When roles are switched, it should be done consciously, with awareness that it is just occasional. Because when a man needs a woman more than she needs him, it can be a real turnoff.
-So many times people ask, “How do you know whether our partner is to be our soul mate? The answer is: Move through the first four stages and you will know.

5. Stage Five: Engagement

-To make sure it is lasting, we much acknowledge and commit ourselves to it. It is important to strike while the iron is hot; otherwise, when it cools down, we may miss the opportunity.
-Most men don’t realize how important the proposal is to a woman. On Venus, second to a wedding ceremony, the proposal is the most cherished memory of a lifetime.
-At difficult times in the future, it will be so helpful for the couple to look back to that very special moment and remember how they felt when their hearts were innocent.
-It is a wonderful gift for a man to create a memorable occasion. It will happen only once, so it’s a good idea to put some extra thought into it.
-The engagement stage is an opportunity for the couple to create lasting memories of their special love for each other.
-During this window of time, we have the greatest ability to practice the two most important skills of staying married: the ability to apologize and the ability to forgive.
-Apologies and forgiveness are interdependent. When one partner apologizes, that makes it easier for the other to find forgiveness. When one partner is very forgiving, that makes it easy for the other to be responsible and apologize. It is difficult for a man to apologize for his mistakes when he does not sense he will be forgiven. It is equally difficult for a woman to forgive a man’s mistakes when he does not apologize.
-A man’s ability to self-correct in consideration of others is directly linked to how accepted he feels.
-If he is unwilling to consider his mistakes, a woman will dwell on his mistakes until he does.
-A man in stage five does not mind making apologies. This is primarily because he hasn’t experienced years of being blamed and rejected for his mistakes. In stage five, he still anticipates being forgiven. That is why this is the best time for him to practice.
-A woman in stage five doesn’t mind practicing being forgiving. After all, unlike her married counterpart, she hasn’t experienced her partner’s repeating certain mistakes for years.
-When a woman deliberately chooses to focus on creating a positive and receptive attitude by forgiving, she then discovers how much a man really wants to please her and support her. She experiences and learns that her love, not her punishments, brings out the best in him.
-Engagement is the best time to practice because we are not yet married. Marriage is like a magnifying glass. Everything becomes bigger. Our love grows, but our problems and pressures become bigger as well.
-On Mars, when a man says he is sorry, the other man happily accepts his apology. Now that you admit you are wrong and I am right, we can be friends again.
-On Venus it is the opposite. When you say you are sorry, the discussion begins. She will proceed to tell him in great detail why he should be feeling sorry.
-To find forgiveness, a woman needs to talk about her feelings until she feels that a man understands why she is upset.
When she starts talking, he feels his apology did no good. When his apology doesn’t work he tries to make her feel better by explaining why she doesn’t need to be upset.
-On Mars, the better the explanation, the better the person listening feels and the more forgiving he becomes.
-On Venus it is different. Explanations can make things worse. She hears that he thinks she doesn’t have the right to be upset.
-Men should know that the least number of words creates the best effect.

Making it through the five stages

-To get through the five stages of dating, it is important to respect the whole process. Each stage creates certain opportunities and challenges.
-If you are quick to fall in love, be careful to proceed slowly and let the relationship pass the test of time.
-A woman needs to remember that she is the Jewel and a man provides the right setting for her to shine. Instead of focusing on pleasing him because he makes her happy, she needs to let him continue to please her with his actions. She does not have to do anything to earn his interest. The more she gives and she graciously receives, the more interested he becomes.
-When a woman falls in love and behaves as if she is completely won over, a man will tend to stay in whatever stage he is in. He thinks, Okay, I can relax; I must be doing enough.
-The sad truth is that the more a man likes a woman, the more he will avoid getting involved because he might eventually hurt her.
-When he doesn’t have to worry about how difficult it will be to get out of a relationship, a man is much more inclined to get involved.
-Throughout the five stages men are to pursue and women are to create the opportunity to be pursued.
-The promise of intimacy makes a woman very attractive, but the experience of too much intimacy can easily cause a man to lose interest. A woman’s challenge is to reveal herself in stages, not all at once.
-She is not easily impressed by a man’s strong feelings. On Venus they tend instinctively to know that feelings are always changing. She needs assurance that his feelings will not change as they really get to know each other.
-Women like nice guys, but they are turned off when a man seems too nice. When a woman is in stage one or two and a man behaves as if he is in stage three, four, or five, then she can easily lose interest. She feels he wants too much, so she feels obligated to give back more than she is ready to. She is afraid of getting involved and hurting him.
-When women seem to be attracted to men who “don’t really care”, it’s because these men are clearly in stage one or two, which is the appropriate stage to begin a relationship. When a man pursues a woman but not yet sure about exclusivity or beyond, it can make him very attractive.
-Sometimes, both partners are too eager and they skip stages together. This does not necessarily mean that they will not make it through all the stages, but it does mean that they will not gain the insights and ability necessary to build a strong foundation for the relationship to grow.

When the Clock Keeps Ticking and He’s Not Wearing a Watch
-Quite often a woman will feel the pressure to get married when her partner is happy to stay in stage four.
-Marriage is to women what sex is to men- to ignite romantic feelings a woman needs emotional intimacy while a man needs physical intimacy.
-Instead of being in stage five and demanding that her partner move on with her, she can move back to stage four and share how she feels in a non-demanding way without blaming him. Men respond much better when they are not seen as the problem but as the solution.
-If he doesn’t respond by moving a stage backwards, a woman can move back to stage three, if he still does not propose, she will generally begin to doubt that he is the right man for her. This is the time to move back to stage two (Uncertainty).
-The first benefit of uncertainty is that it connects her to the truth that he may not be the right person for her. Another benefit is that the woman gives her partner the space he needs to determine if he is the right person for her. By creating more distance between them, she gives him a chance to experience how much he loves her. Quite often a man feels how much he loves a woman when he is directly faced with the possibility of losing her.
-Often, a man will realize how important a woman is to him after she rejects him. It is simply because he needs distance to feel his longing and desire.
-A man will pull back, and once again the woman has let go he springs back with greater desire and love.
-Instead of feeling like a victim at the whim of her partner’s changing feelings, a woman can feel self-assured.

Men Are Like Blowtorches, Women Are Like Ovens

-Often a man will suddenly become physically attracted to a woman and then just as quickly lose interest. He is like a blowtorch that can heat up really fast and then turn off in an instant. Women are like ovens. They slowly heat up and slowly cool off.
-There is something special about every woman, but what makes a woman more special to a particular man is the special chemistry he feels for her. This chemistry cannot be created. It either exists or doesn’t exist.
-How we approach a relationship can either prevent or support the growth of attraction.
-A woman first feels she is special to a man when he feels physically attracted to her. A woman must remember that she is not that special, because there are a lot of women to whom a man can feel physically attracted.
-A woman becomes more special to a man when he finds that not only he is physically attracted to her, but he also likes her.
-A woman becomes even more special to him when he also finds that he is mentally attracted to who she is as a person. There are only a few women for whom he can feel all three levels of chemistry.
-She becomes still more special when he is able to see her as imperfect person but also lovable.
-Then, within this very small and special group, his soul picks one to share his life. It is then that a woman is most special to a man.
-On the other hand, while there may be many men with whom she feels mental chemistry, there are fewer men who cause her to feel emotional chemistry. At this point, she may discover that she also feels physical attraction. It might happen slowly or it might happen very suddenly. Quite often it happens when he gives her a kiss. When a shy man postpones the kiss, it may actually postpone or even prevent a woman from feeling her physical attraction.
-When a man does little things for a woman, like: open the door, compliment her, ask her out, plan a date, or even give her a kiss, it allows her gradually to experience different levels of chemistry.
-Sometimes a woman meets a man and suddenly feels all four levels of chemistry. This is a clear sign that this woman is attracted to her fantasy of the man and not the man himself. She is attracted to the illusion of who she thinks he is.
-A man should not be discouraged if a woman is not immediately interested in a physical way. A man needs to remember that a woman is like an oven that slowly warms up.
-Quite often women who have found their soul mates say that at first they were just friends and that the romance came later.
-The more a man pursues women he could not love, the less he is able to feel physically attracted to a woman that he could love.

· Level One for Men: Physical Attraction
Since the Physical attraction is mindless, a man’s low level of discernment is enormously influenced by what he sees on TV and in movies and magazines: a particular type of woman who always appears sexually receptive, responsive, and self-assured. This attraction has nothing to do with whether a woman is his soul mate.
When a man finds his soul mate, she is rarely the type he was most attracted to at the more undiscerning level.
Level Two for Men: Emotional Attraction
He starts to find that he likes some better than others. When he experiences a woman, he will not just feel physical attraction, but will also sense how much he likes her.
Emotional chemistry has a lot to do with a person’s personality. Quite often, opposite personalities are attracted to each other.
Level Three for Men: Mental Attraction
In level three he is attracted to her character as well: the way she thinks, the way she feels, the way she conducts her life.
The degree to which a woman has developed aspects of her character does not interfere with making her attractive to a man. She is most attractive when she is herself and there is mental chemistry.
Level Four for Men: Soul Attraction.
His love recognizes that this person, though imperfect, is perfect for him. This decision is not based on a list of conditions. The mind doesn’t figure it out. The soul just knows.

· Level One for Women: Mental Attraction
A woman imagines what a man is like and is attracted to something is his character.
Just as men with a low level of discernment long to be with women they see in magazines, women at their lowest level of discernment long to be with the men in romance novels.
Level Two for Women: Emotional Attraction
Here she likes some better than others. When she senses that she doesn’t like a man a lot, she decides not to date him. Even without knowing a man, she can already tell in advance that he is not her type and she will not date him. Through trial and error she eventually discovers the kind of personality in a man with which she is most compatible and feels safe being herself.
Level Three for Women: Physical Attraction
Here she wants not just to be touched by his mind and heart, but also to be touched physically. When a man holds her hand, put his arm around her, or gives her a kiss, a lot of physical attraction is felt.
Just as a man at level one longs to touch, a woman at level three longs to be touched.
Level Four for Women: Soul Attraction
Her open heart makes her capable of eventually seeing the good in her partner, even though he is neither perfect nor able to fulfill all her needs. “This is the person I am here to be with” Her soul just knows.
While the couple will still experience the normal challenges that any two people who don’t understand each other would experience, there is a deep connection they keep coming back to that helps them overcome the inevitable conflicts, frustration, and disappointments in any relationship.

-Choosing to date someone for reasons that do not resonate with our level of maturity will sabotage our ability to move through the five stages of dating. A mature man who continues to date any woman who seems physically attractive, friendly, or sexually responsive may never find real, lasting love. A mature woman who continues to date any man who seems interested in her looks but not her mind as well will continue to be disappointed.
-It is much better not to date if you are not meeting people who match your standards. If you are at the lowest level of discernment, then dating anyone will help you grow in discernment. Once you have already developed your discernment, you lose something if you look back.
-Every relationship is a gift. It offers us the opportunity to prepare ourselves for finding and recognizing our soul mate. Each time you are increasing your ability to discern the right person for you.
-By ending relationships without resentment or guilt, you are paving the way toward a great relationship. By ending relationships with a more loving and nonjudgmental attitude, we will continue to be attracted to the people who are closer to what we want.

The Dynamics of Male and Female Desire

-Women mistakenly follow the advice that if you want someone to be interested in you, you should be interested in him. This advice worked for men who want a woman’s interest, but it doesn’t work the other way around. When a woman is really interested in a man, he tends to become more interested in himself. If she listens attentively, he will generally talk more. If she seeks to please his every need, he will gladly let her know what more she can do.
-A woman is most fulfilled when her needs are met, while a man is fulfilled primarily through being successful in fulfilling her.
-A man is like a magic genie. He comes out of his bottle with the opportunity to fulfill a woman’s every wish. He goes back into his bottle, however, when he gets the message that he can’t succeed in making her happy. When he senses that she is not happy, she becomes less interesting to him and the attraction lessens.
-There are two kinds of interest: Active Interest: is what we feel when we have a goal in our mind; it motivates action to achieve a goal. Receptive interest: is what we feel when we are openly considering the value of what is being offered, it is motivated to create opportunities to receive.
-When a man is very actively interested in a woman, his active interest will usually generate feelings of receptive interest in her. If a woman is receptively interested in a man, it will generate his active interest in her.
-The man’s confidence, which allows him to risk possible rejection to ask a woman for her number, generates in her the reassuring feeling that she is desirable. When she considers his request, his confidence is increased.
-It makes a woman feel special when a man is willing to risk rejection to get to know her.
-Some women will actually become interested in a man simply because he was interested enough to ask.
-What makes a man more interested in a woman is when he feels really good in her presence. The way a woman makes him feel good is by creating opportunities for him to succeed in truly fulfilling her needs.
-A woman does not recognize that being open and responsive to a man’s “doing” is in itself giving back to the man.
-Most women don’t realize their value to men. Not only is it not necessary for her to give back, but giving back can also prevent him from being more interested.
-The tendency to give back is just so automatic that a woman may not even know she is doing it. On her planet, it is just god manners to give back immediately.
-Instead of just relaxing and fully receiving the message, some women shift from being receptively interested to being actively interested.
-Receptive interest just does not bring out the best in a man. After a while he becomes interested in someone else, who does promise to bring out the best in him.
-When a man is actively interested in a woman, he is thinking about things like what he should do to impress her. When a woman is receptive, she gives a man the confidence to take the risks necessary to impress her. If she makes the mistake of trying to impress him, then he will automatically relax and let her do the risking. Men become actively interested when they are figuring out what to do, what to give, how to provide, how to achieve a goal, how to impress someone, and how to get the love, acceptance, and admiration they want.
-When a man is actively interested, he tends to be much more action-oriented, masculine, and directed. These qualities tend to make him much more attractive to women. On the other hand, when a woman is being receptive, her best and most feminine qualities have a chance to shine.
-In fact, when a man receives from a woman, it opens him up to receive more, but when a woman receives from a man it opens her up to give more.

Men Pursue and Women Flirt

-To be most attractive, a man needs to do little things with an attitude of confidence and conviction. A woman needs to respond to the things he does in a receptive but not fully convinced manner. A man should not get the idea that she is after him, but that she is open to finding out if she likes him.
-To create a relationship, a woman must be careful not to pursue a man but to be responsive to his pursuit.
-Flirting is like shopping and Pursuing is like going on a job interview.
-Almost anything a woman does with a receptive attitude is flirting (smiling, eye contact, casually touches, catching his look, ask him for help, …)
-If the man doesn’t get clear signals, his attraction may lessen because he doesn’t anticipate being successful.
-This kind of flirting is very exciting for women because women are looking for the occasional opportunity to relax and have someone care enough to take responsibility for their happiness and lead them where they would like to go. Women enjoy it most when a man takes the risk to impress her rather than waiting for her to do something to impress him.
-When is important is that you took the step, not what you say. Even if you are not coherent, she will be impressed because you took the risk to pursue her.
-Men tend to use one part of the brain at a time, while women use many parts simultaneously. It is relatively easy for a woman to speak when she has strong feelings, but for a man, the stronger the feelings, the less he is able to think and speak.

How to Compliment the Opposite Sex? Acknowledge Men & Adore Women

-Compliments are the best way to communicate attraction and allow it to grow. The bottom line is that men want to be acknowledged, while women want to be adored.
-On Mars they feel most complimented when the results of their decisions and actions are acknowledged and appreciated, so when a woman responds in a positive manner to the things he provides, and overlooks what isn’t as wonderful, a man feels most complimented. His affection for her increases because he feels so proud.
-On Venus they are most touched when a compliment is personally directed. Instead of focusing on what a woman does or how she makes him feel, he should ideally focus on finding positive adjectives and nouns to describe her directly.
-When a woman compliments a man in an indirect manner, it encourages him to continue pursuing her, as she continues to leave a distance between them that he can cross in his pursuit of her.
-For a woman to have deeper feelings for a man, his compliments need to become more personal and direct. The more special the adjective, the more special she feels.
-Another way a woman can indirectly compliment a man is to appreciate what he has provided. By appreciating the movie, the play, the singing, the food, the decorations, the service, the weather, and so on, she indirectly appreciates him, since he feels he provided it.
-For women, the best compliments regard something special either about her person or about something on which she has spent a lot of time, thought, energy, or creativity.

Men Advertise and Women Share

-Men talk much about themselves.
-When the woman does get a chance to talk, he’ll quickly respond with what he thinks she could do, should do, or shouldn’t do. He confidently assumes that his expertise and competence are impressing her, while in reality she is being turned off—feeling ignored, left out, or unimportant to him.
-Martians are primarily work-oriented. Every man instinctively knows that his success is based on three things: his competence, his ability to let others know how competent he is, and the opportunity to serve. To a woman it appears as if he cares only about number one, himself.
-Venusians are relationship-oriented. Every woman instinctively knows that her ability to find fulfillment is based on three things: the ability to give love, the demonstration of her ability to have loving relationships, and the opportunity to receive love.
-A confident and competent man is very attractive to a woman, but what makes her more interested in him is his ability to give and receive in a relationship. A man makes the best impression by asking questions and listening.
-What a woman can do to stop a man from talking so much is to simply stop asking questions and join in the conversation. She should not wait for him to ask questions or wait to be invited; instead, she should just listen for a few moments or minutes and then start in.
-In learning to interrupt, a woman needs to know that a man’s automatic way of showing interest is to advertise. If he is not taking the time to listen, it is probably because he is advertising. This means he is interested and very receptive to being interrupted. When a woman doesn’t join the conversation, a man either assumes that she has nothing to say or gets the message that he hasn’t yet earned her acceptance, and so he keeps talking. In either case, she ends up feeling neglected and annoyed by his self-centeredness.
-Generally, a man will feel relieved when a woman joins in and carries a conversation. It takes the pressure off of him and lets him relax and get to know her. Men are happiest when a woman opens up and shares, while women enjoy carrying the conversation as long as they feel a man is interested.

Why Men Don’t Call

-Most men have no idea why it is so important for a woman to receive that call. His not calling doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care. When a man doesn’t call the next day, it is often because he is following another set of instincts.
-When two male buddies have not talked in months or years, they are just happy to see each other. They don’t even think about apologizing for not staying in touch, but when women get back together, they need to be reacquainted before they feel really close.
-A man doesn’t understand this, but innocently his instincts motivate him to wait a while before calling to avoid being needy or desperate. He senses that if he is too excited or interested he may compromise his value to her.
-A man may thing that by not calling he is sparing a woman the experience of being directly rejected. Commonly a man thinks by not calling he is ending the relationship gracefully.
-Some other times when a man is not sure he will just postpone. He likes to think things over a lot before he gets involved. He doesn’t want to lead a woman on or disappoint her.

To Call or not to Call

-Most women have not yet learnt the art of being assertive and feminine at the same time.
-Certainly a woman who pursues men does sometimes succeed in getting a man, but often the consequences is not what she had hoped. When they get married and she wants to relax and simply be herself, he loses interest. In some cases, once they settle down and she stops pursuing him, he finally gets the opportunity to feel the desire to please her and pursue. This is not always the case, though; more often he just loses interest.
-There are still ways for women to call men without sabotaging the potential of a relationship.
-Everyone tells her that she shouldn’t call, and instinctively there is a part of her that doesn’t want to call, but another part wants to call. With an understanding of men, there are other options. To make the time pass more quickly she has two options:
1- Fill up your time with relationships and activities so that you are not just waiting by the phone. There is no greater mistake than stop your life for a man. A man is most interested and attracted to a woman whose life is full, but who happily makes some room for him. He is less attracted if she needs him to fill up her life and schedule.
2- Give him a call. There are seven guidelines for calling a man:-
1. Don’t call if you’re upset with him. It is generally a mistake to call a man and be upset with him for not calling.
2. Don’t ask questions. Men complain about women who want to talk about their relationship.
3. Make positive comments. Let him know how you feel; don’t ask him how he feels. Instead of asking questions about your relationship, use F.Y.I.O (for your information only) statements.
4. Talk about what happened not about him. Talking about what you did together not about your relationship frees him to connect with you without feeling any pressure to spend more time together. The less pressure he feels to spend more time with you frees him to desire to spend more time with you.
5. Let him know the positive responses you had and leave out the negative. A man forms an emotional bond of affection as he succeeds in making a woman happy.
6. Don’t give advice on anything, but instead ask for advice. You must be very careful not to offer any unsolicited advice, even if he asks. Men also do not like it when a woman quotes another person as a way to give advice.
7. Don’t offer to help him in any way, but instead ask for his help. The more a man succeeds in helping a woman, the more attracted he will be to her. But offering help can easily backfire and make a man feel mothered and smothered. When a woman offers to help is can easily make her appear too eager to win his affections, or it can come across as an insult. If she calls to offer help, she loses him. If she calls to get help, he will feel complimented.

-How to ask a man out? Instead of asking him out on a romantic date, she can ask him to help her with something or accompany her somewhere. The request should be practical and not romantic. Doing this, the man has the opportunity to be a friend, but more important, the woman has been able to create a fertile opportunity to experience him being helpful to her and thus become more attracted to her.

Men Love a Woman with a Smile

-A man is most attracted to a woman when she makes him feel masculine. In a similar manner, a woman is most attracted to a man when his presence makes her feel feminine.
-Some women realized that they too were from mars. This role reversal is very common, particularly with women who are very active and committed to their careers. Women today are pressured to be like men during the day at work. Depending on how stressful their job is, it can be very difficult to shift back to having feminine feelings and characteristics. The very characteristics that make them successful at work can make them unsuccessful in relationships. A strong and assertive woman can be very attractive, but she must learn to express her power in a feminine way.
-There are three basic characteristics of masculinity: Confidence, Purposefulness, and Responsibility
-There are three basic characteristics of femininity: Self Assurance, Receptivity, and Responsiveness.
Self Assurance – A self-assured woman trusts that others care and they want to support her. She does not feel alone. She feels supported by friends and family and by men. In her mind, almost all men are likable until proven otherwise. When she is not respected, she doesn’t take it so personally, but moves on. She doesn’t expect perfection and is open to finding new ways of getting more of what she wants. Some women are naturally self-assured. They are born with this attitude. Self-assurance is an attitude that assumes you will always get what you need and at this moment you are in the process of getting it. It is different from confidence. Confidence assumes that you can do what you set out to do, even if you have to do it all by yourself without any help. Self-assurance assumes that others are available and want to help and you don’t have to do it all by yourself. When a woman is too confident and independent, it is sometimes a sign that she is not assured at all that others are there for her, and so she has to do it all herself. As the woman grows in self-assurance, she will not be attracted to men who cannot respond to her in the ways she deserves. A woman needs to remember that she is the jewel and he is providing the setting for her to shine. This attitude that she is already worthy of attention makes her more desirable to him.
Receptivity – A receptive woman is able to receive what she gets and not resent getting less. Receptivity is being able to receive whatever can be received in a circumstance. It is the ability to benefit or find something good in every situation. When a woman is receptive and things are not exactly what she wants, she is receptive to the possibility that things will get better. She does not close up. Expectations are a turnoff. A woman loses her sense of receptivity when she expects more than a man has been giving. Men love it when a woman can both disagree with his opinion but at the same time express an attitude that she likes him and trusts him to be a good guy, “I accept you the way you are; you don’t have to be just like me and I still like you”. Accepting a man while disagreeing with him makes him feel free to be different.
Responsiveness – A man is most interested in pursuing a woman when he gets clear messages that he can make her happy. The secret of being responsive is to be authentic. If a man does not truly delight, impress, or please a woman and she responds with artificial delight, admiration, or fulfillment, he will know she is faking it and eventually feel manipulated. A woman’s responsiveness is most attractive when it is authentic and not exaggerated. It is okay to hold back negative responses in the first three stages of dating, as a man judges his success in a relationship by the positive responses that he gets. So when she is not pleased, she can simply give a zero response. She doesn’t need to share her negative responses, but she can instead seem unresponsive and change the subject to something more positive, then he feels encouraged. By focusing on the positive and leaving out the negative, she may have a little less conversation, but he will stay interested. She can then share the negative goodies with her girlfriends. When a woman can respond to the little things he does, then his affection, and interest have a chance to grow.

Why Some Women Remain Single?

-This frustration has nothing to do with looks, personality, level of success, or the availability of men. It does involve their style of approach. These women are very careful not to need a man so their self-reliant attitude does not make them attractive.
-In the old days, it was clear that a woman needed a man’s protection and physical support.. But nowadays, instead of needing a man primarily for survival and security, a woman needs a man for emotional comfort and nurturing.
-When the lower needs for survival like eating, drinking, shelter, and breathing are met, the higher needs of love and intimacy become more important.
-With more advanced education and job opportunities, women are more responsible for themselves. So the more successful a woman is, the less inviting to a man she may become.
-These women usually want to avoid needing a man, as they don’t want to appear needy. But for a man, there is a world of difference between a needy woman and a woman who needs him.
-To need a man does not mean to need more from him. By focusing on appreciating what a man offers, a woman can avoid being needy.
-A woman does not have to be helpless to ask a man for help, nor does she have to be hopeless to need his support. It is always flattering to a man when he feels needed.

Where to Find your Soul Mate

-People who are happily married often say they met their soul mate when they weren’t really looking. This doesn’t mean you have to wait for your lucky day or for an accident to occur in order to meet your mate. People attribute finding their soul mates solely to chance, fate, luck, magic, good fortune, or God’s grace because they don’t realize how it is actually done. Certainly, everything really great is done with God’s help, but GOD HELPS WHO HELP THEMSELVES. Whether intentionally or unintentionally we put ourselves in the right place to meet a potential partner with whom we can feel immediate chemistry.
There are Four elements of chemistry we should put in our consideration:-
Different interests – Soul mates have many shared interests, but quite often they have many more different interests. The insight that different interests create chemistry explains why it is sometimes so hard to find a soul mate. The only way we can meet someone with different interests is by accident. To find your soul mate, go to places where people have interests different from yours. Trying new things actually gives you more energy and makes you more attractive. So if you aren’t very religious, start going to church. If you don’t like to read very much, start hanging out at a bookstore or library and so on.
Complementary needs – Soul mates basically have something that their partners need. This mutual dependence creates healthy emotional chemistry. Examples: If you need help setting up your computer, then by going to a computer fair, you may meet the right man. By attending any class you are creating the ideal opportunity for a guy to be helpful. Whenever a situation arises where leadership is required, you should jump at that opportunity.
Maturity – Soul mates basically have similar levels of maturity. This maturity does not necessarily have to do with age, but it is a big factor. One of the ways to experience this chemistry is to visit places where you are assured of meeting people your age like school reunions and support groups. The more we know, the more we don’t know. With the wisdom of greater maturity, we naturally seek out additional information on subjects that are dear to us. Let go of the past and its experiences as patterns can and do change and experiences are not the same.
Resonance – Soul mates have similar values that resonate. Your partner’s values concerning God, family, work, recreation, politics, money, character, sex, and marriage resonate with you and inspire you. To have similar values does not mean that you will necessarily think and feel the same way about issues. Sharing values makes us compatible with someone. This compatibility allows us to make compromises without giving up who we are or what is important to us. By going to places where our values are supported like churches or fun groups and trips, we are sure to meet our soul mate.